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all you need is love

I was hesitant to write those last couple posts, mostly because one of my greatest fears in life is being a burden on someone else. I did it, though, because writing is a huge release for me and I needed to put things into words. You guys turned around and sent hugs and love and prayers to and for me through comments and texts and emails and Facebook messages. I can’t say thank you enough, my friends.

There are some things that, on their own, I find myself able to deal with; but when a whole bunch of those things/events/moments all collide together, I crash. It’s a lot of fun and I definitely recommend trying it one time. Depression and self-hatred are just one huge party. (Hey, at least I didn’t lose my sarcasm, right?)

I slept so well on Wednesday night that I actually woke up feeling rested for the first time in longer than I can remember. I guess that’s what I get for being awake for 40+ hours. I kept super busy on Thursday, working at the church office in the morning, the lawyer office in the afternoon, and returning to the church in the evening because I was asked to help out with the Christmas production.

winter berries

Winter Berries – Wascana Park, Regina, SK – January 2009

One of the lawyers I work for asked me to come into his office just before the end of the day so we could talk about the next couple weeks. We went over tasks and such and then he told me that he’d be giving me a raise in the new year and that he found my work invaluable. He said he saw huge potential in me and that I should consider going to law school. Whether that actually happens or not, it was just really great to hear that I was doing something right and doing it well. I still sometimes find myself with the insecurity level of a 13-year-old who just got braces. He gave me a couple Christmas gifts and a card from him and the other lawyer I work for.

I left the office and started walking down to the bank to deposit my paycheque and meet up with Noah and the girls. I opened the card and found a Christmas bonus from each of them. I opened each slip of paper and laughed out loud. (I got a couple funny looks from the other people on the street.) Noah had told me earlier that he didn’t know if he was going to get paid for the two weeks over Christmas (he’s on paid leave from work for six weeks with a back injury) because of details that would be too long to type out. I was trying not to stress about it because God has taken care of us this far, providing for us when we need it most and expect it the least – right when our gas tank is empty or exactly on the first of the month when we’re a bit short on rent. The contents of that card reminded me that He’s there and He cares and He’ll always provide for our needs.

We went up to the church and I sat in on the choir practice, playing the music when they needed it. My signs-up-for-everything nine-year-old is in the choir so it was extra awesome to listen to them rehearse. Also awesome? The elementary-aged boys who yell-sing. They brought a huge smile to my face. One of the boys (I don’t know if he was one of the yell-singers or not) stopped the choir director after one of the songs, pointed to his two other triplet brothers, and said, “We just turned EIGHT.” I watched the happiness on his face about his (and his brothers’) turning EIGHT and wondered about what, if this baby is a boy, he will look like and if he will be just as excited to turn EIGHT. (Even though he is NOT a triplet.)

park bench

Park Bench – Wascana Park, Regina, SK – January 2009

Thursday night was littered with stupid vivid preying-on-my-insecurities-and-fears dreams, but I woke up to a three-year-old hopping into my bed saying, “Don’t worry mom, I won’t turn you red.” (There’s a back story on that one having to do with just-back-from-sledding flushed cheeks and a red-hot stove burner.) She had her blanket on her head (because her blanket protects her from the dark) (and the other bazillion things she’s afraid of). She peeked out from under her blanket and said, “Don’t be scared mom, I’m not a ghost.” That kid cracks me up with her straight-faced phrases. I swear she came into my life right when I needed her. (And that goes for her sister too.) There are times when Noah or I are having a horrid day and she’ll come up to us and show us beyond-her-years compassion or something will come out of her mouth that makes us laugh out loud. I wish I remembered or wrote down more of what Kaylie said and was like at three, but I seem to remember her being quite similar. She and I were living in Caronport, Saskatchewan the year she was three and she, just like her sister, was extremely outgoing and would go up to any complete stranger and strike up a conversation.

I dropped the girls off at school and daycare Friday morning and headed to my prenatal appointment. I was supposed to be having my glucose tolerance test so I’d skipped breakfast and was STARVING but then found out that there wasn’t a blood runner so I’d have to come back next week for it. I was kind of disappointed, because I wanted to get it over with, but I was also glad, because that meant I could eat sooner. I do everything I can to avoid doctor appointments when there isn’t someone living in my uterus, but with this pregnancy I’m seeing a nurse practitioner and I MUCH prefer it. She’s extremely knowledgeable and being that the clinic I go to is in a low-income neighborhood, she sees a LOT of babies.

With the girls, I saw the nurse for 2.3 seconds, waited half an hour, and then saw the doctor for a couple minutes. (The doctor I had with them was AWESOME, the best EVER, but since she was so good, she was also very busy.) This time, the nurse practitioner does everything and doesn’t rush through it. She’s kind and thorough. Being that she’s not a doctor, she won’t be there to actually deliver the baby, but I’ve found that even when seeing a doctor who does deliver babies, it’s not guaranteed that doctor is going to be there or be on call or be able to make it on time (although with my deliveries, the doctor would have time to drive from Florida).

Anyway, even though I couldn’t do the super-fun glucose tolerance test, I still had my regular monthly checkup. I stepped on the scale and was stoked to see it had only gone up two pounds since last month. I gained weight faster with the girls, but this time I started at only two pounds less than I was at nine months pregnant with Kaylie (ugh!), so I was kind of hoping for a slower gain. With all the weight I lost in the first trimester, my nurse practitioner is happy with any increase (and I’m happy with any small increase). And I remembered to pee IN the cup this time. (You’re welcome.)

Lakeshore Drive

Lakeshore Drive – Wascana Park, Regina, SK – January 2009

I’m noticing now that this post has turned into a novel when all I really wanted to tell you is that I’m going to be okay. I’ve been at this spot before (most recently, in July of this year and August of 2009) (it’s not really something you forget) and I can remember the feeling of being so low that I can’t see how it can ever get better. But, it does. I’m doing my best to keep busy, do things I enjoy, and not let my mind go to the places that want to drown it. I’m trying to find the beauty in things – like I tried to do in taking these wintery photos during our first Regina winter.

So, thank you. For your support and love and prayers and just being there. You guys truly make the crappy times easier.

Categories: anxiety/depression

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Erica Saturday, December 18, 2010, 12:52 am

    Glad things are better. Can’t wait till you have the baby :) then i can see my big sister again <3

  • dad Saturday, December 18, 2010, 8:59 am

    You’ll be able to write a book of ‘Lilli’s quips’ while you are in law school :)

  • Jessica Braun Saturday, December 18, 2010, 2:35 pm

    The kids at church (and liliana!) bring a smile to my face too! :)
    .-= Jessica Braun´s last blog ..focus =-.

  • Meg Saturday, December 18, 2010, 6:02 pm

    Dont you DARE apologize! Your writing is honest and real, whether you’re writing about your girls, work, you struggles or your joys. Please don’t ever stop!
    I have to admit, I’m really looking forward to meeting your girls (and Three!) when I come out in May. Do you know, I’ve never met Kaylie???? I think that’s SO WEIRD. Time to fix that! I just hope they have fun hanging out with me :)
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..Soon enough you’ll hear the blacktop calling your name =-.

  • Heather Saturday, December 18, 2010, 7:41 pm

    I’m glad you’re seeing some bright spots! That’s wonderful to get that kind of encouragement from people you work with. You and yours are in my thoughts, hon, and I hope this Christmas is really, really good for you!
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Day 14- A Hero Who Has Let Me Down =-.

  • Kami Sunday, December 19, 2010, 5:54 pm

    I loved this long post, because you explain yourself so well. I know you will be okay but I am glad to hear you know it too.

    xoxoxoxxo
    .-= Kami´s last blog ..Friday- Already =-.

  • elena Monday, December 20, 2010, 9:49 am

    i’m happy you’re going to be ok.
    :) praying for you though.
    .-= elena´s last blog ..i want a chicken for Christmas =-.

  • Angella Monday, December 20, 2010, 2:50 pm

    Love you, lady. Hugs.
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..Bits Of Everything =-.