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The Bachelor: Chris – Episode 1

We’re live! Two Three days ago! I’m a little late in watching this week. Oh well. I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about it this season, but my decision is now obvious.

RED CARPET!

Chris Harrison! I like Chris Harrison. I’ll have to refer to Chris Harrison and Chris Soules by their last names, won’t I? Harrison says something like there’s a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite and a girl with an x-rated past who is now a stand-up individual. Drama!

Cue Soules’ home/hometown. A population of about 400 people. He’s been looking for a while for his soul mate. His best friend. If he stayed in his hometown, it would take a lifetime to meet 25 women. Cody helps Soules train for being The Bachelor, because you can’t be The Bachelor unless you’ve got big guns, right? Thanks for that, Sean.

Oooh! Motor bike! He rides away from the harvest on a bike. He’s ditching harvest to be on The Bachelor. Because love is more important than harvest, apparently.

Red carpet! Sean & Catherine! Deanna and her new baby girl! Andi & Josh! Marcus & Lacy! Nikki! “Was Juan Pablo really as bad as he was on the show?”

Preview of this coming season! Drama. Drama. And more drama! THIS IS SO SHOCKING!

Before things get started, Harrison interviews Sean & Catherine and OH MY WORD CATHERINE WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU CHOSE THAT Dress. You look like Dracula’s bride. Catherine: “We spent New Year’s Eve on the couch in our sweats. And that’s fine!” You sure sound like it’s “fine” with you, lady. Sean: “During my season, before the first limo showed up, I took a deep breath and said a little prayer.” And then you started your polygamous relationship, right? Catherine: “This one lady got drunk that first night but I didn’t because I’m awesome!”

I might be paraphrasing a little bit.

Marcus & Lacy! Harrison: “You guys had your own show this summer on Bachelor In Paradise, so thanks for boring us with that.” Lacy, about wedding planning: “You know, all the decisions are 80/40, but we’re working on it.” Um, so, Lacy, 80 + 40 = 120. Do you mean 60/40? Or 80/20? Because I’m pretty sure my 7-year-old could teach you that.

And now, a few of the Bachelorettes! If the other seasons have been any indicator, the final lady is somewhere amongst these ladies.

Some lady is single in LA. You poor dear. This lady is Britt. She’s 27 and she’s a waitress. Britt? That’s not your full name, is it? Right. Ok. “Intimacy is so important to me.” “I’m a touchy person.” She’s walking down the street with a FREE HUGS sign. I’d totally do that. If I were to live out my worst nightmare.

The next lady is a news producer. She opens a glass door to talk to someone and all I can see are the finger prints because apparently I look at everything through a janitor’s eyes. “I put my whole heart into everything I do.” “I think there’s someone out there that can handle a strong woman.” It’s who, missy. (Says she who is bound to make many grammatical mistakes in this post.) Her name is Jillian. She’s 25 and is a news producer from Washington, D.C. She’s a gym buff. She’s very strong apparently. And also a cheerleader. “Watch out, girls.”

Ballet dancer! A very peppy ballet dancer. Her name is Amanda. She’s a ballet teacher from Lake in the Hills, Illinois. Huh. I’d say that’s an odd name for a town, as in, it’s four words long, but then, here in Saskatchewan there’s Biggar and Climax and Elbow and Eyebrow and Little Bone and Moose Jaw, so we’re not one to talk. She lives at home with her mom because that way she doesn’t have to pay bills or cook or clean. Uh. Ok, lady. I doubt Farmer Chris has a maid, so you’re going to have to share some responsibilities, my dear. “My mom doesn’t want me to embarrass her on national television.” Good luck with that.

New girl! “So, do you want to make a baby?” Ok, that’s just a weird way to start her little commercial thing. I mean, I know her job title already, but, uh, anyway … Whitney, 29, is a fertility nurse from Chicago, Illinois. I imagine her job to be rewarding and heartbreaking. “I’m not sure why I’m not meeting guys here in Chicago, but these boys just don’t want to settle down!” She has a cute little puppy. I’m not a dog person but that little guy is adorable. “I could help out with making some little pigs or cows and all that jazz, I mean, I know how to do it, so I’ll get out there and get my hands dirty no problem. Uh, I don’t think what you do, as completely awesome as it is, prepares you to stick your hand (arm) up a cow’s lady parts.

The next lady is sitting by a stream, calmly shaking her head from side to side. Is this the next … what’s the name of the one who was naked the whole time on Juan Pablo’s season? Mackenzie, 21, is a dental assistant from Maple Valley, Washington. She has an adorable little dude named Kale. Looks to be about 18 months old. He has curly blond hair. I love him already.

“Smoking is prohibited on this aircraft. Unless you’re smoking hot, Chris.” *wink wink* Alrighty then! Alissa, 24, is a flight attendant from Hamilton, New Jersey. I hope you don’t say that on your flights, little lady. Oh, and you’re getting on your plane phone and announcing something about handling out roses. You rock, miss. Now put the phone down before you say something else stupid. She hands a rose to an older gentleman who has no idea what is going on and glares at the camera. I’m pretty sure my sister is a much better flight attendant than you are, Alissa.

And now, a school counselor who loves helping people as they start their lives. Her name is Kelsey. She’s 28, and a guidance counselor from Austin, Texas. She’s been a widow for a year and four months. Ouch. That’s gotta be hard. They were making plans for their future, then he was walking to work one day and his heart stopped. She decided that instead of staying in bed, sulking and crying, she’d get up and go to work and try to go on. She believes in soul mates, and maybe someone can have more than one soul mate.

Harrison is back! That creepy guy who was on Bachelor in Paradise has been standing behind Harrison this entire time. I think he’s the one who tried to get into the mansion during Andi’s season.

Josh & Andi! “Yea, we’re kind of famous when we go out, but everyone is so supportive.” Harrison: Let’s talk wedding! Oh, good, Deanna’s little girl is in the frame on the bottom of the screen. Little babies are much more entertaining than people pretending they’re super-famous. Ok, stop rubbing Josh’s back, Andi. It’s borderline creepy now. Seriously with the back rubbing. Andi talks about how awesome Soules is. “There’s not a whole lot of secrets to him.” “Josh and I both know how awesome he is.” Harrison: “Do you think he’ll find love?” Andi, in a bazillion words: “Yes.”

Harrison: “Coming up, what Nikki has to say about Juan Pablo.” I’m definitely interested in this.

Nikki! Hi! I like her. Except her taste in men. “I’m really happy.” Harrison: “Take us back to the last time you and I were in this very building.” Nikki: “You know, I knew that I was the one who liked expressing my feelings and he just wasn’t.” “I cared about him and wanted to stand by my man!” Harrison: “There was so much animosity there.” (At After the Final Rose.) Nikki: “No one prepares you for this stuff. I felt happy but I wanted everyone else to be happy for me, but we weren’t able to express ourselves, well, he couldn’t.”

Harrison: “So, you broke up, what happened?” Nikki: “It was really hard for me to fit into his spotlight job.” “We both tried hard, and I’m not a quitter, and we tried everything but we had different priorities and different lives.” I think she’s being way too nice. Harrison: “But it doesn’t seem like you were one of his priorities.” Nikki: “I knew I’d never be his first priority, because he has a daughter, but there’s a difference between being his second priority and his seventh.” “We could never see eye to eye on things.” Harrison: “Do you think his wanting to be famous played a role in your break-up?” Nikki: “It’s not a priority for me at all when I’m home.” “It’s hard for us to work together on that.” “I do think there was a point where he was in love with me but it was just too late.” “We’re never going to be on the same page.” “My lifestyle was never going to fit in with his.”

Nikki says that no one can prepare you for the backlash that comes after The Bachelor. “I don’t regret anything. I’ve grown so much as a person.” “I know what I want and I know what I don’t want.” Harrison: “What did you see in Juan Pablo that we didn’t? We were all trying to say, Don’t do it! Run away!” Nikki: “He is so caring. He cares about people that he trusts. It’s just a difference about lifestyles. He really is a good person.” “Our relationship didn’t end because we didn’t love each other, we just want different things in life.” “I wish people could get to know him the way I did.” “His life in Miami is more of a priority for him.” Goodness.

THE SHOW BEGINS!

And we’re inside the studio! Let’s begin Chris’s Soules search. (You’re welcome.)

Soules is walking down the street in LA all sultry and such. “I want to fall in love and bring her back to my home in Iowa.” Soules is with his personal fashion expert getting fitted for his Bachelor wardrobe. Getting his Bachelor photo shoot done. Totally not cheesy at all. More sultry shots from the Bachelor mansion. “Some great memories happened here not too long ago.” Yea, with your ex-girlfriend who was dating 26 other guys as well. “I want to spend as much time with women as possible.” Well, you asked for it, dude.

Oooh, outdoor shower shot of Soules and all his muscles. Part of me is wondering, “Who wants to date a farmer from Arlington?” Lots of ladies. You think you’re getting 25? Well, you’re getting 30. And, my dear Soules, I shall quiz you on all their names because that won’t be awkward at all.

The girls are getting in the limo! “He’s gonna be mine.” Righto. Soules: “I can’t believe this. This is crazy.” THAT’S WHY WE WATCH. Amanda: “That smile? It’s a panty-dropper.” Listen, lady. Do not say that word ever. The one before “dropper”. It’s the second-worst word ever. The first, of course, being “moist”.

LIMOS!

First limo pulls up. Who’s first?

Britt, 27, waitress from Hollywood, California. We’ve seen her already. I’ll call her Free Hugs. And a waitress in Hollywood means Failed Actress, right? Soules already got his free hug! A long one! And she’s crying! Way to make a good impression. “I already know I like you!” “I already have a present for you so you have to look for me to get it.” He reads a little piece of paper she left in his hands. “A free hug from Britt.” “I’m ok with that.”

Whitney, 29, fertility nurse from Chicago, Illinois. We’ve seen her already as well. Did I like her? I think I did. She gives the hug, but doesn’t cry. “I’ve watched the show since high school but I wouldn’t be on the show for anyone but you.” Of course you wouldn’t.

Kelsey, 28, guidance counselor from Austin, Texas. She’s a repeat as well. One of these first ladies has got to be The One. I think I like her as well. These first impressions have got to be awkward. “I’m just a normal girl.” Don’t drink too much and then we’ll judge.

Megan, 24, make-up artist from Nashville, Tennessee. Soules: “Hello, Blondie.” They’re both nervous. They do the hug. As she walks away, Soules says, “This is not going to be easy.” You’re not wrong.

Ashley I, 26, freelance journalist from Wayne, New Jersey. Spoiler alert! There’s more than one Ashley. And even if one leaves, the other will still have the initial. I was Jennifer B. in school even though I was the only Jennifer in my class. No, I was not annoyed at all, why do you ask? Anyway, Ashley. “I’m so glad it’s you.” That’s what they all say.

Next limo! Soules peers into the window.

Trina, 33, special education teacher from San Clemente, California. There’s a pretty wide age gap between these ladies. “Hello, Farmer Chris!” She’s got an Elsa braid going on.

Reegan, 28, donated tissue specialist from Manhattan Beach, California. She’s carrying a cooler. It’s going to be a play on carrying a heart in there or something, right? A heart to transplant? It’s got the biohazard sticker on it. “I got you …” Yes, there is a heart in there. Of course there is. “It’s not real!” Soules: “Good call. I think I might need another heart around anyway.”

Tara, 26, sport fishing enthusiast from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. “Yee haw!” So, that’s not a job title, right? Does she live with her mom as well, so she doesn’t have to cook or clean or work or anything like that? She’s not wearing a dress. Tank top, plaid shirt, short shorts, cowboy boots. Trying to be remembered, I take it. “I’m not wearing a cocktail dress because this is me.” Soules: “A cowgirl. I like it.”

Tara walks into the house where the other girls are. They all look at her like, what. the. fudgenut. Gasping and all that. “I definitely felt out of place, judged …” Well, listen. You didn’t follow the wardrobe. Of course you’re going to feel out of place!

Amber, 29, bartender from Chicago, Illinois. She brought a stuffed animal with her.

Tara goes to change and comes out in an awful dress. Good job, lady. But not. She’s probably one of those cast members they add just for fun, right?

Nikki, former NFL cheerleader from New York City, New York. Does this mean that she’s now an unemployed cheerleader? Or she just wanted the cheerleader title rather than her current job title? “I literally just flew here from Peru.”

Tara sneaks around and hops back in the limo. She’s going to be fun, isn’t she? She comes out of the limo again. Soules: “You’re back!” Tara: “I just wanted to show you that you can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl.” Original. And what does your tattoo say? “I’m happy I did that! Chris got to see the real me.”

The limo driver takes a not from a hand waving out of the limo and walks it over to Soules. In bewilderment, Soules says, “Ok.” End scene.

The note says, “Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. xoxo” He does as asked.

Amanda, 24, ballet teacher from Lake in the Hills, Illinois. She’s also a repeat. An odd one. “Ok, no peeking!” She says something about him needing a secret admirer and she would be it and “nice almost meeting you.” I don’t know whether this is brilliant or incredibly stupid.

Jillian, 25, news producer from Washington, D.C. We’ve seen her as well. “You been working out?”

Mackenzie, 21, dental assistant from Maple Valley, Washington. Yes, we’ve seen her too. She’s the one with the kid, right? “I’ve been so calm for the last four days and then I saw you and *gasp*” She brings the age range to 21-33.

Ashley S, 24, hair stylist from Brooklyn, New York. She walks out of the limo and looks pissed. Or nervous and shy. She tells a story about a lucky penny and how she found one in the airport and wants to put it in his soule. I mean the sole of his shoe. (See what I did there?) That’s not going to be comfortable. And she’s still barely smiling.

Kaitlyn, 29, dance instructor from Vancouver, BC. Canada, represent! Though she wasn’t one of the original six, so she’s not going to make it. Boo. At least she has a smile on her face. “You can plow my field any day.” Um. No. Oh no, you did not just say that. He looks at her stunned. Kaitlyn, confused: “What, you’re not a farmer or your name’s not Chris?” Ok, so, never mind. She’s making Canada look bad. Soules: “Didn’t see that coming.”

COCKTAIL PARTY

Harrison comes to check on Soules. “Well, how’s it going so far?” Soules: “I feel like this is a dream.” “I don’t know if I’m ready for more limos!” Harrison then lets Soules go inside. “Really? For real? Ok!” Ok, but that’s only 15 ladies. You still have 15 to go, Soules.

Inside, the girls wonder how many more ladies are going to arrive. They’re confused. Soules: “There’s only 15 girls here. But 15 is a lot!” You just wait, my dear Chris. “This is 14 more than I’ve ever dated at one time.” Good to know.

Miss Does Not Represent Canada: “Do you want me to tell a joke?” NO! PLEASE NO! Soules shoots her down. THANK FREAKING GOODNESS. Oh, crap, she’s doing it anyway. “Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal.” Ok, leave now, you’re going to make everyone think Canada is a joke. A bad one. Everyone is shocked by her “joke”. And not in a good way. Awkwaaard. Megan didn’t even get the joke. She looks like she’s half gone anyway. “Something’s not clicking up there.”

The ladies wonder where the other people are. They ask Soules if he wants any more. Ashley S: “I’ve watched this show half my life. There’s always been at least 25 girls. So …?”

First one-on-one is with Free Hugs. “Do you remember my name?” “Of course. Britt. I have your note.” She says she wants to explain the note. “I think that what a wife or a girlfriend needs to be is a safe haven.” She wants to be the one he comes and gives a hug to. You know, 2 points for Free Hugs. She doesn’t want to raise her kids in a city, she wants to raise them in a small town. I might like her.

“I went to school to be a journalist but now I sell cadaver tissue.” Great pick-up line, Reegan.

Harrison walks in with a rose. The first-impression rose. My vote is for Free Hugs.

Back to the live broadcast. Harrison says he has six ladies who know Soules better than anyone. Six farmers’ wives. “He’s so sweet and genuine.” “Iowa is a great place to raise a family.”

Back at the house everyone is still confused about the number of girls and the first impression rose and all that.

Whitney gets some time with Soules. “Ok, I have to get this out. I make babies every day.” “Can I ask you a question? Do y’all inseminate dogs?” LADY. Babies? Cute and cuddly and adorable. Inseminating dogs? Is this really first-date material? Oh, she’s going downhill fast. She’s laying it on thick. Soules says he’s excited about her.

I can’t remember this next girls name, but she hands him a heart.

Soules sits with the ladies and tries to figure out who his secret admirer is. Amanda comes out and pulls him away. She’s kind of freaks me out.

Harrison comes in and steals Soules away, and tells him that there are more limos. The other girls can’t believe it. “This is so messed up.”

Live! Clare. Oh wow. The Crazy One. Harrison asks her about how she felt about being in the limo. She says it was scary. That’s about all I wish to hear from her.

SECOND SET OF LIMOS!

Samantha, 27, fashion designer from Los Angeles, California. Soules is smitten.

The girls in the house are shocked and not exactly pleased. They completely freeze her out.

Michelle, 25, wedding cake decorator from Provo, Utah. “You are a babe, so that’s good.”

Juelia, 30, esthetician from Portland, Oregon. Her parents apparently wanted her to have to spell her name her whole life.

The original 15 are getting more and more annoyed.

Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant from San Diego, California. “I’m so excited to be here.”

Tandra, 20, executive assistant from Sandy, Utah. She rides up on a bike. I’m sure that helmet does good things to her perfect hair.

Alissa, 24, flight attendant from Hamilton, New Jersey. Oy. She’s one we’ve already seen and I’m hoping goes home right away. Oh my word, she’s got one of those fake seatbelt things. She can’t get it around him. Awkward!

Jordan, 24, student from Windsor, Colorado. She brought whisky for him. Ok, this I can get behind. And pass me some, too, okay?

Nicole, 31, a real estate agent from Scottsdale, Arizona. She’s wearing a pig nose. Are we seeing all the props girls this time around? Soules: “Very brave of you.” Nicole: “I love pigs.”

Ashley I: “I don’t think Chris has pigs on his farm. She should have done her research.”

Brittany, 26, WWE diva-in-training from Orlando, Florida. Maybe this is why Britt chose to be Britt rather than having an initial after her name? Smart. She’s wearing … lingerie? “I came all the way from Florida to see if we were *opens a sign that says #Soulesmates* soulmates.” Good one. I bet no one else thought of that.

Carly, 29, cruise ship singer from Arlington, Texas. She’s holding a karaoke machine. And she’s singing to him. Oh no.

The girls are freaking out over the competition. There are 25 girls. AND THEN ANOTHER LIMO. Soules: “Ok, this is getting ridiculous.” The girls are freaking out again.

Tracy, 29, fourth grade teacher from Wellington, Florida. She says that her students wrote a note to him. This one isn’t awful, as far as props go. I like kids. (In small numbers and usually only when their parents are around.)

Bo, 25, plus-size model from Carpinteria, California. How many 25-year-olds do we have now? A bazillion?

Chris is a little overwhelmed.

Kimberly, 28, yoga instructor from Long Island, New York. The girls inside are talking about how Juan Pablo is such a douche.

Kara, 25, high school soccer coach from Brownsville, Kentucky. “My parents said we’d make cute babies.”

Jade, 28, cosmetics developer from Los Angeles, California. “You look handsome.” Soules: “This is perfection.”

Harrison: “Well, now what do you think?” Soules makes sure that this is the end of the women coming. He’s got 30.

Soules goes into the house and looks terrified. “My wife is in this room.”

Soules sits with a lady who has two kids, a 7yo and a 6yo. Well, the latter will be 6 tomorrow. That’s gotta be rough not spending the birthday together. Harder on the kid, obviously.

Next one says she looked up weird laws in Iowa and apparently it’s illegal to drive an ice cream truck.

The Canadian is teaching Soules how to dance. It’s really awkward. Soules likes the Canadian. And doesn’t exactly know what the whole “plow my field” think is all about but he likes it.

The girls are freaking out about getting alone time with Soules. “The claws are out.”

Lady is trying to get Soules to take some deep breaths. Soules doesn’t know what a “cat lady” is. He also wishes he was a polygamist. The girls are waiting for The Crazy One. It’s going to be the Canadian one, isn’t it? The music the producers choose for the weird moments is so perfect. Ashley S might be a crazy one. She’s talking about cutting being a metaphor and oh, you should just stop now. She steals Soules from some girl who just started talking to him. She gives the girl a rose and steals the others’ spot. Oy. “Take a freaking look at this onion!” “If it’s a pomegranate, got bless it. Can I just check it out? Is it an onion?” She picks the pomegranate. “Wow, I feel powerful!”

Drinks are being drank. Tara the fisher girl might not last the night. She’s gonna be crying and puking in a bathroom soon.

The first rose! The first-impression rose! No pressure! “Are life jackets red?” “No, they’re orange!” “No, they’re red.” Tara is so going home. “I so totally care about that kid.”

I’m trying to figure out who he’s going to give that rose to. … Britt? Is that who that lady is? Yup! I got her name right! Go, me. Britt also gets the first kiss. Britt: “I actually really like you.” Uh, well, that’s good.

Did Catherine get the first impression rose in Sean’s season?

Harrison walks in and the girls are stoked. Harrison steals Soules away to make decisions about the rose ceremony.

Live studio. Harrison asks some people some questions, till he gets to Michelle Money who says, “I heard a rumour. I heard she doesn’t shower.” Um. Thanks? Nobody doesn’t like Britt.

ROSE CEREMONY!

Can’t wait for the drama! I can’t even tell you who I think will or won’t get a rose, except for onion girl. Oh, and fisher girl. Thirty women is a lot of women.

Kaitlyn. Canada, FTW! Jade. Samantha. I don’t remember her at all. Ashley I. Tandra. Nikki. Kelsey. Megan. Fisher girl is freaking out. Settle down, Tara. Too much alcohol for you. Alissa. Amber. Tara is going to fall over, isn’t she? Juelia. Becca. Trina. Tara: “I almost fell.” She’s not gonna make it.

Ack! Soules just walked out. Maybe he had picked Tara and is now changing his mind and needs to change the prompter in his ear? Yup! I was right. Soules tells Harrison that he was going to pick her and now has to change his mind. I hope he sends her home, seriously.

He’s back! Mckenzie. She’s a sweetie. Tracy. Tara. Whaaaaaaat?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh my. Probably needs her for the drama, right? Jordan. Jillian. Whitney. Onion girl is freaking out. Carly. Harrison comes out for the final rose announcement. The final rose music goes and goes and goes. Ashley. Onion girl got a rose. Another drama pick?

So, that’s … how many women? The rejected ones walk out heartbroken. While Tara sniffs her rose. There’s crying.

Uh oh. Kimberly is going back in. Soules is like, WTH? WHAT?!?! We don’t get to find out what Kimberly is doing till next week? Gah!

Here comes the preview of the rest of the season. Drama, drama, drama, because what else would there be? Of course Harrison says that this is the most dramatic, romantic season. Wait, there’s rafting and shooting? I seriously want to be on the crew of this show. And of course there’s shocking drama and more shocking drama. And then Soules makes a big mistake. Uh oh. Does he sleep with one of the girls? Because that’s just awkward for the rest of them. I don’t know what else could cause all of that. And another uh oh. A girl is laying on the ground sobbing and it looks more like a physically hurtful sob. Crying, crying, and more crying.

Can’t wait for next Monday!

Categories: bachelor(ette)

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