If you want the short version, scroll to the end.
Eighteen are left. Who will be
voted out sent home tonight?
Preview! Jimmy Kimmel and Soules are showering together. That’s about it.
So, let’s do this. Cue limo. Cue some dude walking out of the limo. Cue Jimmy Kimmel walking into Soules’ room, looking him right in the face, and telling him to wake up. Soules comes to and is a wee bit surprised to see Kimmel. Kimmel hands Soules a coffee and exits.
Harrison greets the girls at the house and tells them that they will be joined by another man. They think it’s an animal, but Kimmel walks in and they all scream. “As you know, Chris is a very busy guy. He’s got cows to milk and hogs to slop and whatnot. He is a farmer, so I’m going to help him make his decision by making love to each one of you. Then I will report back, so I want everyone to give 110%” I’m sure your wife is stoked about this, Kimmel.
Jimmy brings out a jar and says that every time someone says “amazing”, they need to put a dollar in the jar. Because that word is overused and now there’s going to be consequences.
Kimmel hands the girls a date card, and he and Harrison exit.
Date card! “Dear Kaitlyn, you and Chris are about to join an exclusive club. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings, and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await.” Kaitlyn is stoked, obviously. In the limo, she and Soules try to figure out where their date is going to be. And they pull up to … Costco! “Welcome to the most romantic spot imaginable.” Jimmy then gives them a list of items to buy. They fill a couple carts and Soules says how Kaitlyn is being such a great sport. Soules pushes Kaitlyn around in a giant ball, which he then joins her in while three kids push them. They load it into the limo and head back to the mansion. With 300 bottles of ketchup.
They then cook up a couple of steaks and drink bourbon and Kaitlyn says, “This almost seems real.” Listen, lady. It’s all real. You just made real steaks and you’re drinking real bourbon and that guy over there is corporeal. And you’re a weird kisser.
Kimmel walks in with a box and comments on Soules’ lipstick. Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’s ever dated a farmer. She says yes, but they were “legit farmers”. Strike one. She specifies that they had all animals, rather than crops. Soules says he’s never dated a Canadian before. You’re missing out, dude! Jimmy: “I specialize in making people feel uncomfortable.” Jimmy sits between Kaitlyn and Soules at dinner because that’s not awkward at all. Kimmel then asks about the fantasy suites, and if Soules will sleep with all three women in the fantasy suites. He then asks Kaitlyn if she’d be mad that he’d slept with the other two women as well as her. She says she wouldn’t, because it’s part of the process.
Kaitlyn: “You can’t buy a car without test-driving it.”
Kimmel: “Canadians. They’re the best.”
Soules: “I’m starting to be a believer.”
Kimmel: “Try have sex with everyone.”
Kaitlyn: “I can hear you!”
Then add a whole lot of sex talk ending with Kimmel offering to have a threesome with them. Um …
Date card! “Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly. Are you ready to meet some “real” party animals? Best regards, Jimmy.”
Jimmy picks up the date rose and hands it to Soules. Soules says nice things about Kaitlyn and tells Kimmel he’s an @$$ and says “amazing” twice. He offers Kaitlyn the rose and she accepts and they hug over Jimmy. Kimmel finally leaves the two of them alone. Again with the awkward kissing. I can’t even watch. Cue the hot tub scene. Where Jimmy again joins them.
Back at the house Jillian is working out. Kelsey: “She works out all day.”
Jimmy leads the group date to a farm obstacle course. There are many rounds to get through. Milking goats, cooking eggs, drinking goat milk, something about pigs. Aaaand go! Corn husking. Chris says he doesn’t care about drinking goats milk but his girl has to be able to shuck corn. Next, chicken coop, where they need to get an egg. Mackenzie accidentally breaks her yolk. A few girls make it to the goat milking. Jimmy: “This is kind of erotic.” Carly is the first done. Next up, shoveling manure into a wheelbarrow. Jillian’s butt has to be blacked out. Carly is again the first one done and she WINS! I’m so glad it wasn’t Jillian. To quote Joey Tribbiani, that chick is whack.
Soules and Carly put on outfits to duplicate the American Gothic photo. Soules is quite impressed with Carly.
The ladies have a few drinks with Soules before Carly pulls him away. “You are a man and I am a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage.” And she does. Cue Soules kissing girl after girl after girl. Mackenzie is frustrated that Soules is kissing so many women. Um, listen. Have you seen the show before? That’s how it goes. If you want a one-on-one relationship, The Bachelor is not for you. Mackenzie then goes to Soules and asks, “Ok, so you know how we kissed? Then why are you kissing everyone else, too?” Chris clears his throat a couple times before answering and saying that it’s part of getting to know someone. Mackenzie, “No, I was just curious.” She then goes back to the group and tells them what she and Soules talked about. Britt says that she’s also feeling hurt that he’s going around kissing everyone. One of the girls says “amazing”. They better have caught that. And then she says it again. And again. That’s three dollars, girl. And then she says she doesn’t want to rush into kissing him. So, this is awkward. You’re standing on a rooftop in a super romantic setting. Whatever.
Date card! “Dear Whitney, today is going to be fun. No whining!”
Soules joins the group date girls and picks up the rose. He says “amazing”. He offers it to Becca. Obviously the other girls aren’t stoked. Carly is kind of pissed.
Whitney and Soules climb into their limo and try to figure out where their date will be. They pull up to a ranch. She asks him what he’s looking for in a woman. He says all the cliche things, and then says that he wants someone he can laugh with, and someone who can see a complete stranger in a room and end up their best friend. She says that she meets people at airports and ends up being facebook friends with them.
They look down the hill and see a wedding going on.
Whitney: “Is it a wedding? Let’s go crash it. YOLO!”
Soules: “Let’s do it!”
Camera man: “Are you serious?”
Whitney & Soules: “Yes!”
This should be interesting.
Soules: “I think you’re the perfect wedding crasher partner a guy could ever ask for.”
Whitney: “Is this going to ruin the rest of our date?”
Soules: “Worst case scenario is we end up in jail.”
The two get all dressed up and buy a gift and head to the wedding reception. “We can’t crash a wedding with cameras following us, right?” They’re anticipating that someone is going to recognize them. Their story is that they’re engaged, they’re done shooting, and the people need to be really quiet about it. Whitney tells a whole back-up story about the bride (a make-up artist) doing a make-over on her. They end up on the dance floor with the bride and groom, Whitney goes into the group to get the bouquet, Soules goes for the garter. Soules is quite impressed with how Whitney has handled everything. Whitney says “amazing”. It doesn’t seem like anyone recognizing Soules, which is a good thing. Whitney again says “amazing”. Soules says “amazing”. Soules: “I can absolutely imagine Whitney being my wife.”
Soules goes to get the rose and offers it to Whitney. She, of course, accepts. He says things about how she made the date beautiful. Whitney: “Nick and Shannon need to come to our wedding.” Soules: “If we get married, this won’t be the last wedding Whitney and I crash.”
Cue Soules working out. And then Jimmy joining him in the shower. Soules: “I’m not just here to find my wife, I’m here to have a shower with Jimmy Kimmel.”
Kimmel joins the group of ladies. Camera zooms in on the Amazing Jar. It’s full. Jimmy says that there is not going to be a cocktail party tonight. Instead, there will be a pool party. Kimmel says he’s taking the Amazing Jar and using the money to get his back waxed. Ashley I: “I was looking forward to using my Kardashian look tonight, and now I have to go to a pool party.” SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP.
Pool party! There are many blacked-out bottoms. Juelia is concerned that she won’t be able to talk to Soules about “our feelings”. She tells him the story of her late husband’s mental illness, and how, when their daughter was 7 weeks old, he handed her a suicide note. He snapped and grabbed his gun. She took their baby and left because she was scared. They talked that night and he was apologetic. “I’ll get help tomorrow.” The next day he texted, “I’m sorry. I love you.” She was driving home and she just knew. She breaks down and Soules holds her. She apologizes for crying and they join the rest of the group.
Britt finally gets her time with him. They kiss a while. Jade goes to find him and asks for a tour of his place. “This is where I showered with Kimmel.” The girls mention that they haven’t seen Jillian for a while. She (and her blacked-out butt) head to Soules’ house to wait in his hot tub.
They test out the bed by doing a run jump onto it, followed by cuddling. Jillian is still in the hot tub. Jade and Soules exit his house and run into Jillian. Ashley I goes into “Chris-finding” mode, and she and some other girl crash his and Jillian’s hot tub time. Jillian somehow slips in that they should go and they do. Awkward! Ashley I, Megan, and Mackenzie plot how they’re going to re-crash the hot tub party. Mackenzie walks in when Soules and Jillian are kissing. The other two join as well. I don’t think Mackenzie is going to make it. Jillian again tries to kick the other girls out. They all end up arguing. Ashley I walks away crying. She then drops her glass, which is apparently glass, and it rolls down the driveway.
Mackenzie walks into the room and fills the other girls in on the happenings. Soules comes in and looks for Ashley I. She pulls him upstairs. “I hope I kiss him again because that will make me feel better.” She breaks down and cries about Jillian. He says he doesn’t quite know what to do in situations like that. She then kisses him and he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. He looks awkward, like, um, really? She pulls him over and I think he’s scared that he’s going to fall off the balcony. Oh my. Ashley, just stop, ok? Soules does the awkward laugh and escapes. Harrison comes in and announces the rose ceremony. He grabs Soules away, and I’m pretty sure he’s quite glad to get away.
Rose ceremony! Soules checks in with Kimmel and Harrison. Kimmel: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” Soules walks into the room with the women. I just realized we haven’t seen any Ashley S drama. Oh well. Who already has a rose? Kaitlyn and Whitney and Becca. Chris picks up the first rose. Ashley I: “I’m at like a 9 on the confidence scale.” Jade. Samantha. Juelia. Mackenzie. Kelsey. Britt. Megan. Carly. Ashley S. (Huh.) Nikki. Jillian. Kimmel comes in to announce the final rose. Ashley I.
The ones who got sent home say their goodbyes, and then, of course, previews to the next week with all the drama and the tears and the drama and the tears.
Jimmy Kimmel wakes Soules up. Kimmel informs the girls that he’s going to host this episode, and that he’s going to sleep with all of them to help Soules decide who he’s going to end up with. He also delivers an Amazing Jar. Every time someone says “amazing”, they have to put a dollar in the jar.
Kaitlyn & Soules go on a date to … Costco. They load up on ketchup (and a few more things, but mostly ketchup) and have a romantic dinner with Jimmy between them. They talk about how many women Soules is going to sleep with in the fantasy suite and that’s sure awkward and can we talk about something else, please? Kimmel states that Canadians are pretty much the best ever and Soules offers the rose to Kaitlyn. They hug over Jimmy.
Group date! Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly head off to a farmer’s obstacle course where they husk corn, gather and crack eggs, milk goats, drink goat milk, shovel manure, and catch pigs. Girly girl Carly wins and surprises everyone with her awesomeness. The girls can’t remember what the previous hundred Bachelor seasons were about and cry over Soules kissing other women. Um, your boyfriend has SEVENTEEN OTHER GIRLFRIENDS, you silly sister-wife! Soules offers the rose to Becca and she accepts (which hurts Carly’s feelings)(and everyone else’s, of course).
Whitney and Soules go on a date to a ranch or something. They spot a wedding and decide to crash it. The camera man is all, whaaat?! They dress up, buy a gift, and go to the reception. Whitney creates a brilliant back story to convince even the bride’s mother and sisters, she and Soules dance, and nobody recognizes him or realizes they aren’t supposed to be there. Brilliant. Soules is quite impressed and offers the rose to Whitney, who, of course, accepts.
After he showers with Jimmy Kimmel, Soules has a pool party with the ladies, much to the chagrin of Ashley I, who had been looking forward to a cocktail party because she was going to get her Kardashian on. Juelia opens up to Soules about her late husband’s suicide, Jade gets a “tour” of Soules’ house (bed), Jillian kicks girls out of a hot tub she and Soules are sitting in, Mackenzie wants to know why Soules is kissing other girls (AGAIN, HE HAS SEVENTEEN OTHER GIRLFRIENDS), and Ashley I forces the most awkward kiss ever on Soules.
Rose ceremony! Kaitlyn and Whitney and Becca already have roses. Soules then chooses Jade. Samantha. Juelia. Mackenzie. Kelsey. Britt. Megan. Carly. Ashley S. Nikki. Jillian. Ashley I.
Can’t wait for next week’s drama!