If you’d like the short version, scroll to the end.
Fifteen (or five-teen, if you ask my son) are left. Who will be
voted out sent home tonight?
Harrison comes in to talk to the ladies. “Chris is sincere and serious about this, as always.” There will be three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one date, the latter of which Soules’ three sisters will decide who goes on it.
Date card! “Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey: Let’s do what seems natural … Chris.” Soules says he has a fun adventure planned. One of the girls is a hardcore wheel-biter. They pull up to a lake. In their bikinis, of course. Because it’s not a bachelor date without bikinis.
The girls strip down and run into the lake. Ok, now I’m jealous. They get to play with those paddle board things. And then one of the girls takes her top off. And one takes her bottoms off. “This is a date made for bimbos!”
Back at the house, the other girls are getting ready for their visit from The Soules Sisters (see what I did there?). Jillian is snoring by the pool with her butt blacked out. She’s wearing bikini bottoms, but apparently they’re not staying in place? Carly greets Soules’ sisters in her bubbly fashion. (I like Carly.) One of his sisters lives in Ireland. (Jealous!) Jillian is woken up and can’t find a towel.
Jackie, Laurie, Lisa. Jillian is embarrassed. The sisters pick one girl at a time to interview, and the lucky winner will get to go on the one-on-one date. Fertility Nurse goes first. Britt goes next. “I feel super confident that I’m the one Chris wants.” One by one they’re ushered in … “Although I live in the city, I feel like a small-town girl.” “I hope they think I’m taking myself seriously.”
Back on the date. The girls play Red Rover. In bikinis. That’s not going to end well. Kelsey is being a poor sport. “If you want to visit a lake, you go to Michigan. You don’t go to this mud pit.”
Apparently Soules is taking the girls camping. Kelsey: “As if this couldn’t get any worse!”
The girl set up their tents with great delight. Ashley I: “I’m a camping virgin. And a virgin camping!”
Back at the house, it’s Carly’s turn. She tears up a little when asked if she’s ever been in a long-term relationship. She says she has, but guys have not been very kind. Her grandpa was so kind and gentle and loving toward her grandma, and she wants that kind of love.
The sisters and the girls say their goodbyes, and every girl says how well their interviews went. After the sisters leave, the girls cook up some artichokes and Jade is lamenting about how she feels as though she’s been overlooked.
Date card! Britt: “It is uncomfortable to name myself as the front-runner because it seems like bragging, but I feel confident that I’ll get it.” Date card says, “Jade, your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening from 8pm till the last stroke of midnight. It’s a secret; the prince doesn’t know yet that you are coming. Sincerely, Lisa, Laurie, and Jackie.” Jade is obviously stoked. Britt is obviously jealous. Jade: “It just feels nice to be recognized.” She seems like a sweet, kind girl.
Soules and the girls are barbequing. Soules loves camping and is looking forward to seeing how the girls handle it. Ashley I: “The rose is very ominous.” She feels that she wants it the most. Really, Ashley I? Really? Kaitlyn: “Obviously being here, camping, in my element, I would love to get the rose tonight.” You go, Canada. She asks Soules what he wants from a life partner. He says he’s a touchy-feely guy. This should be interesting.
The other girls talk about being lucky for the opportunity to vie for Soules’ heart, but Kelsey is pissing on their parade. She’s pouty pouterson. She fake-laughs and is generally obnoxious. The rest of the girls toast with tequila: “To s’mores, and sharing the same man.” In comes Ashley S. We haven’t seen any crazy for a while. She makes her own “music”. Mackenzie talks about aliens. Kaitlyn, who I’m finding to be the most grounded gal, thinks all this craziness is hilarious.
The girls tell ghost stories. Kaitlyn’s is about Ashley S, who is sweet and completely nutso. She kisses him, which catches him completely off guard. Ashley S tries to talk to Soules, but I think she belongs in a mental ward. Seriously. I’m not even kidding. Kaitlyn: “I don’t think Ashley S is here for the right reasons because I don’t think she even knows where ‘here’ is.” Ashley I takes Soules aside and tells him that she doesn’t like guys but that she has a huge crush on him. They kiss for a while.
Date rose! The date rose goes to Kaitlyn. I totally called that one. It was either her or Ashley S, the latter just to mess with the girls’ heads. Ashley I: “Are you KIDDING? I was so confident with him! … I don’t think that Chris would guess that I’m a virgin, or that I’ve never had a boyfriend.” She crawls into Soules’ tent and tells him as much. She also tells him that she’s a nerd and very inexperienced. “Do you get that vibe?” I hope this girl stays around, because she’s a little cloudy in the head.
The girls are back at the house and hear about the visit with the sisters, and that the sisters chose Jade. Ashley I is pissed, because she deserves it and would want it more than Jade does. Seriously, girl. You have a superiority complex.
One-on-one date! Two weirdos come into the house calling, “Jade? Jade?!” They grab Jade and take her off to a “transformation room”. Ashley I: “I don’t even think they get that nobody would appreciate it like I would.” She can’t get it into her mind that she’s not the Chosen One. The fairy godmother tells Jade that she gets to keep the Neil Lane diamond earrings and the shoes, and then is shown some images from the new Cinderella movie. Jade comes out of the transformation room looking A-MAY-ZING. The girls’ jaws drop. Jade walks down a red carpet and gets into a vintage white car. She seems sweet and humble and the polar opposite of Ashley I.
The car pulls up to a large, lovely building. Soules stands at the bottom of a long staircase, and his eyes completely light up when he sees Jade. They sit at dinner and get to know each other. She has been engaged before, and he has as well. Soules cheers to his sisters making a wise choice.
Back at the house Ashley I holds her own ball and puts on her “princess dress”. The other girls are like, ??? Someone says, “You wanna know what’s sad? That you don’t even have a prince.” Ok, that was a low blow, but hey, they’re a little wasted. But still. Oh, lady. The girls totally light into her. She sits by herself eating corn on the cob and drinking by herself.
Jade and Soules are all lovey. Soules offers the rose and Jade accepts. They then walk into a hall where an orchestra is playing. The dance on a platform with the new Cinderella movie on in the background, which, I didn’t even know it existed but now want to see it. Soules and Jade are quite adorable together. But the clock strikes midnight and Jade has to take off. Soules: “I may have overlooked Jade till now, but I’m not going to overlook her anymore. Hopefully our fairy tale becomes reality.”
Date card! Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca. Let’s … get … dirty. Chris.” There are boxes outside with wedding dresses in them. They hop into a limo and drink white wine because drinking red wine would probably be a HORRIBLE idea in white dresses, right? Those producers thought this through. Jillian isn’t so stoked. The limo pulls up to a private runway and flies them … somewhere. They deplane, run to Soules, and ride in a limo to … a mud pit. See, Kelsey? This is what a REAL mud pit looks like, you whiner.
Jillian says she’s in it to win it. The mud thing is to raise funds for M.S. My aunt has M.S., so I especially like this. They’re off! Into the muck! Jillian kicked butt. Not surprising for the athletic athlete she is. The other girls are obviously disappointed.
Soules and Jillian are on a gorgeous roof with an amazing view. She kind of weirds me out, but Soules says he’s insanely attracted to her. She talks A LOT. And fast. Soules doesn’t really understand what she’s talking about but just hears “fairies and unicorns”. I think that’s a good thing? At any rate, he’s apparently quite liking that the pressure isn’t on him for once, and she’s dominating the conversation.
Back at the house the group date girls are regaling their race results to the remaining ladies. Carly is kind of bitter that she didn’t win, but then, she did win the last race (apparently she’s always on race dates?), so I guess it was someone else’s turn or something.
Jillian is still talking, and Soules says that they’re in the most romantic setting imaginable, but that he and Jillian don’t seem to connect on a romantic level. I don’t think you’re staying, my dear Jillian. Ok, now she’s asking him if he’d rather sleep with a dirty homeless person or abstain from sex for five years. Um. Really? This is what you do on a “romantic” date? She thinks it’s going well so far. She’s very confident. I’m not holding out hope, my dear Jillian. Soules builds her up, telling her her good qualities, but I’m hearing a “but” coming soon …. and there it is … “but I’m looking for a wife and unfortunately I feel like we don’t have that chemistry right now. I feel like our goals aren’t quite aligned with each other.” She kind of falls apart and says she made herself vulnerable and it was really hard for her. She’s hopeful to find love again. That’s got to be an awkward walk back to the limo.
Soules says that he’s 33 and he’s single and if this whole thing doesn’t work, he’s not quite sure what he’ll do with himself. I really do hope that this works out for him.
Cocktail party! The women primp themselves all up and feel the tension of the night. They toast to the night. Megan blindfolds Soules and tells him that he’s only allowed to use three of his five senses. Taste, smell, “and I don’t know what the other one is.” She dips a strawberry in chocolate and (PASS ONE THIS WAY PLEASE) feeds it to him. Nevermind, it was a raspberry. Even better.
Ashley I is back at it again. When they were camping she vaguely told Soules that she’s a virgin, but said things like “innocent” and “inexperienced” and just assumed that it meant that he understood that she’s a virgin. Listen, lady. Sometimes people are dense. You have to just come out and SAY it. My first boyfriend broke up with me “vaguely” (over the phone), and yea, I was 14, but still, I had no idea what the hell he was trying to say, and he was all, “Do you get what I’m saying?” and I was like no, FREAKING SPELL IT OUT FOR ME. JUST BE BLUNT AND GET IT OVER WITH AND GET TO THE FREAKING POINT ALREADY. Vagueness might just hit a nerve with me, OKAY?!
Apparently tonight she is going to tell him straight up. She asks him what he got out of their tent conversation the other night. He says it was intriguing, and she comes across as conservative … “Well, the thing is, I actually alluded to the fact that I’m a virgin.” I’m not exactly seeing why she’s making a big deal out of this. Listen, Ashley I, that’s nice and all, but it doesn’t mean that your worth is greater than that of the other girls, OKAY?! Soules did not see it coming. At all. Yea, see, I didn’t see that breakup coming because what else is a guy going to do after he tells you that he loves you and he wants to marry you and that he could die happy … yea. I’M NOT BITTER. (Ok, he was only 15, BUT WHATEVER.)
Anyway. Soules is insanely uncomfortable.
Complete squirrel moment here, whenever I use a word like that, “insanely”, “very”, “quite”, I’m always taken back to Dead Poet Society when Robin Williams says,
“So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys – to woo women – and, in that endeavour, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays.”
Yea, that. Except I’m not the Captain. So I’m going to use “very” till I have a better vocabulary.
OK THEN. Moving on here.
Soules says he respects Ashley I for her whole virginity thing. She goes and tells the girls that she finally told him. GOOD FOR YOU, WOMAN. (I mean that sarcastically.)(And not, at the same time. I mean, it’s great and all, but for goodness sake, it’s not that big of a thing to tell him. Maybe tell him before the fantasy suites, if you get that far.) Ok, I’ll stop being an ass now. After their talk, Soules doesn’t kiss her, which, you know, whatever, he’s probably still just kind of shocked. But Ashley I goes away crying, thinking she’s now “too innocent” for him. She cries on Mackenzie’s shoulder. Mac says that she kind of blows things way out of proportion. THANK YOU.
Ashley I tells the rest of the girls her good news and they’re flabbergasted. Carly: “I actually did not know that Ashley was a virgin, which shocked me, because I’ve seen her making out with Chris, like 13,000 times. And her mouth is not a virgin.” The girls discuss it a bit before it comes out that Becca is a virgin as well. Huh. She says it’s a decision she made, and yea. She hasn’t told Chris yet because it just hasn’t come up. SEE?! Kaitlyn: “We’ve got two virgins – TWO virgins in the Bachelor Mansion. Two virgins, one Chris. I can’t make this up.”
Britt is quite annoyed that she hasn’t spoken to Soules in a week. “It’s been all Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn.” Well, DUH. Because Canadians are awesome. Britt finally talks to Soules. But she doesn’t talk about them, she whines about the other women and who got more time and why are other girls getting roses and I’m not??? Soules is annoyed that Britt is taking all her time with him to talk about the other girls rather than about the two of them. Soules tries to explain some things, and he says he’s putting his heart and soul into this. Ok, LOOK, woman. You signed up to date a guy with TWENTY-NINE OTHER GIRLFRIENDS. Ok, that’s five more than she signed up for BUT WHATEVER. Soules just up and leaves. He’s frustrated. Harrison calls the girls together and Soules gets up to speak. He says that he’s here to find a wife and if anyone questions that, she can just go home. Well said, dude. The rest of the women have no idea what is going on while Britt looks down all pouty.
Ok, so, Kaitlyn and Jade have roses. Thirteen women remain rose-less. Britt is worried. I’m guessing she’s either going to be called last or she’s going home. I’m betting that Ashley I gets a rose, and that Kelsey does not. Alrightythen! First rose! Whitney. Carly. Megan. (Ashley I is freaking.) Samantha. Mackenzie. Kelsey. (Really?!) Becca. Ashley I. Harrison announces the final rose. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Britt. (CALLED IT!)
Ashley S leaves with no drama at all. The girls have a hard time saying goodbye to Juelia. Soules hugs her but then asks her if they can talk outside. I’m guessing this is one of those things where he really likes her and would like to keep her around but he doesn’t see a future with her and wants to let her get back to her daughter. Which is exactly what he says to her. He tells her what a solid human being she is, and that some guy is going to be so, so lucky to have her. Goodness, this lady has been through a lot.
Inside the girls are crying, and Soules walks in somber. This isn’t a THREE CHEERS FOR US! kind of moment.
Ok, the end credits after the last commercials are always funny, bloopers and such, but this time it’s Ashley S’s departure. I knew there had to be something. “I feel … nothing. I’m actually not upset at all. Like, honestly, I am who I am. I’m not worried about me. I’m not worried about me at all! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!” She’s walking out of the Bachelor Mansion with a giant smile on her face. “Chris, all I have to say to you, is nothing.” I … seriously … I am worried about her. Does she live on her own? I’m not even being mean here! Legitimately, I’m wondering if she lives on her own. I’m going back to the entrances to see what she does and what happened with that … ok, so she’s a hair stylist from Brooklyn, New York. Huh. She’s the one who wanted to put the lucky penny in his shoe.
Ok, let’s talk happy endings. Britt, Jillian, Amanda, Whitney, Mackenzie, and Kelsey were highlighted at the beginning of the first episode. Amanda and Jillian are gone, and the previews to next week’s episodes don’t look too good for Kelsey (looks like she’s taken away in an ambulance). Britt is a whiny git, and I don’t see Soules and Mackenzie ending up together. Whitney is a sweetie, so maybe she’s one of the final ones? But I like Kaitlyn and Jade the best. And Carly.
Let’s do this.
Final four: Kaitlyn, Jade, Carly, Whitney
Final three: Kaitlyn, Jade, Carly
Final two: Kaitlyn, Jade
Mrs Soules-to-be: Kaitlyn
The short version:
Harrison announces that Soules’ three sisters are coming to choose one lucky lady for a one-on-one date. Scary!
Date card! “Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, Kelsey: Let’s do what seems natural … Chris.” The nine of them traipse off to a lake in the wilderness. Kelsey is all pouty. Soules and the women run into the lake. Ashley I and Kaitlyn take their top and bottoms, respectively, off and jump off the dock. Kelsey is all pouty. Soules announces that he and the girls are going to camp. Kelsey is pouty. Ashley I declares that she’s a camping virgin. And a virgin camping! Kaitlyn is stoked about the camping because hello, Canadian! Ashley I goes into Soules’ tent and alludes to being a virgin. Very vaguely. Kelsey is pouty.
Date card! The Soules sisters interview the girls. Most of them go well. Britt declares, “It is uncomfortable to name myself as the front-runner because it seems like bragging, but I feel confident that I’ll get it.” Okee dokee, Britt. Superiority complex much? Date card says: “Jade, your presence is requested at a royal ball tomorrow evening from 8pm till the last stroke of midnight. It’s a secret; the prince doesn’t know yet that you are coming. Sincerely, Lisa, Laurie, and Jackie.” Jade is excited because she feels that she’s been overlooked (not in an I’m-so-important way). Her fairy godmother takes her away and prepares Jade for the ball. The girls watch jealously as Jade is shown dresses and shoes and diamonds. Especially Ashley I, because she’s entitled to princess dates. Jade comes out of the dressing room looking AMAZING. She also gets to keep her shoes and her Neil Lane diamond earrings.
Jade is taken to a “ball” where she walks down the stairs as Soules looks longingly with a giant smile on his face. They have dinner, where they bond over broken engagements. After Jade accepts Soules’ offer of the rose, they walk into a ballroom where a symphony plays for them as they dance on a platform. It’s really all quite adorable. I like Jade a lot.
OH! But while this is going on, Ashley I declares that she should have gotten this date because she is all about being a princess. She gets into her princess dress and says she’s going to have a ball of her own. Because she should have gotten this date because she’s all about this kind of stuff! It’s … awkward.
Date card! “Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca. Let’s … get … dirty. Chris.” Soules and the women head off to a muddy obstacle course. Carly is ready. to. go. I like her. She won the last obstacle course and is all in. But, Jillian the Athletic Athlete breaks away while everyone else is miles behind. For her winningness, she is rewarded with a one-on-one dinner date with Soules on a balcony looking over the city, a gorgeous view. And then she talks. A LOT. Soules can’t get a word in edgewise, and quickly falls behind on what she’s even talking about, but it’s all about fitness and some other things I don’t remember because she talks too fast. Soules ends up telling her that she’s nice and all, but he doesn’t feel a connection between them. “But I was all vulnerable with you!” She is not too impressed.
Cocktail party! Ashley I is panicking because she doesn’t think that Soules got the hint that she’s a virgin, so she takes him aside and fills him in. He didn’t see it coming. He says he respects her for it. Ashley I comes out to the rest of the girls that she’s a virgin. She has been making a HUGE BIG LARGE DEAL about this whole being-a-virgin deal. So when the girls are sitting around listening to her, it comes out that Becca is a virgin as well, but hasn’t talked about it because why would she? It’s not that big of a deal, ASHLEY I. Your worth is not greater than that of the other girls. IT IS NOT SO GET OVER YOURSELF. Britt makes a big deal about who and why Soules is giving roses to and complaining and being overall obnoxious. Soules is frustrated with her and takes off.
Rose ceremony! Kaitlyn and Jade have roses. Next roses go to: Whitney. Carly. Megan. Samantha. Mackenzie. Kelsey. Becca. Ashley I. Harrison announces the final rose. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Britt.
Juelia, the one who has a child and whose husband killed himself, is not chosen. The girls have a rough time saying goodbye to her, and Soules takes her aside. He tells her how wonderful she is, but says that he doesn’t feel a connection between the two of them and doesn’t want to keep her away from her daughter if there’s no hope. She is crying and he is crying and as he goes back into the house, all the girls in there are crying. There’s no WOO HOO! moment.
When Ashley S leaves, however, “I feel … nothing. I’m actually not upset at all. Like, honestly, I am who I am. I’m not worried about me. I’m not worried about me at all! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Chris, all I have to say to you, is nothing.” I can’t even.
Next week! Let’s go!