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The Bachelor: Chris – Episode 5

If you’d like the short version, simply scroll to the end.

Eleven are left. Who will be sent home tonight?

Soules and his girls are heading to Santa Fe, the location I can not hear without bursting into a Rent song:

Let’s open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Oh, sunny Santa Fe would be nice
We’ll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
And leave this to the roaches and mice

Onward. Harrison drops in on the girls to inform them of the Santa Fe trip, and of the two one-on-one dates and one group date. Megan is stoked. And a little confused. “I’ve never been to Santa Fe. I’ve never been to New Mexico. But I hear it’s beautiful, like a beach resort. I think New Mexico’s definitely going to be a culture shock from what I’m used to. You know, the hat sombreros that everyone wears in Mexico. I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico. … I’m so excited, I’ve never been out of the country.” Oh, Megan. Were you not paying attention in geography class? You really should have been paying attention.

Soules says his expectations for this week are high, and that he has a lot of touch decisions to make. He mentions the “next level”. GIVE ME A CHART OF THESE LEVELS.

Date card! Ashley I thinks she deserves the date card more than anyone else. Because of course she does. I wonder how Soules feels watching this, seeing the other side of all the girls. It’s got to be awkward and eye-opening. “Carly, let’s come together. Chris.” She is obviously stoked. She pulls up to a southwestern-style house and Soules leads her through it and out the back door where a woman is meditating. Carly: “I don’t know who she is, but she is very calm.” She’s apparently a love and relationship counsellor. Soules says that if he and Carly don’t have intimacy, their relationship won’t work.

The two of them get dressed up in comfy tunics and do some weird chanty groany things. It’s awkward. Carly is asked to blindfold and then to use her breath and touch to make her way his whole body. She’s terrified. And thinks it’s insanely awkward. Oh my word. I can barely watch. Next up carly goes in the downward dog position and Soules is told to come up behind her and put his hands through her thighs. Soules: “She’s not a love guru. She’s a sex guru.” He basically imitates sex with her, doggy-style. Oh, sheesh.

Next up they’re asked to un-mask each other. Clothing is the mask. So … um … more awkward. Sex guru: “The more transparent we can be with our partner, the deeper we can go.” Well, yes, the clothes do have to come off to go deeper. I … goodness. If Carly’s not chosen at the end, the one who’s chosen is going to have a hard time watching this awkward weirdness. Carly: “I don’t really take my clothes off for anyone, much less on the first date. This is a first date.” She pulls his shirt off. He unbuttons her shirt and takes it off. Soules: “I was hoping this would bring us to the next level of our relationship, but it was really awkward, and very weird.” She undoes his pants and pulls them down a bit before saying that she’s really uncomfortable.

So the sex guru says to keep the pants on and just speak. She says, though, that one more mask has to come off. Speak about the one thing that they’re willing to let go of, the one piece that hasn’t served a relationship in the past. Soules says he wants to commit to someone for the rest of his life; Carly says she wants to feel worthy of love. (Oh, Carly, I so get you.) He tells her she is worthy. Next up, Carly is asked to sit on Soules’ lap. FOR SERIOUS HERE. The only rule is no kissing. Oh my. This. Um. I cannot even. She wraps her legs around him and they caress and “breathe each other in” and Soules is going to have to take a minute before standing back up. Sex guru: “Just look at each other for a moment and then thanking each other in any way you feel called.” They kiss, obviously, and holy freaking crap. I just … oy.

Back at the house Kelsey is talking about her late husband, about how they connected and could give everything to each other. She’s been a widow for a year and a half but she was once someone’s important person. He was walking to work one day and his heart stopped. Ashley I is all, why is she being so nonchalant about this? You’ve obviously never grieved, Ashley I.

Date card! “Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mckenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley I, and Kelsey, I am rapidly falling in love. Chris.” Britt is OVER THE MOON because this means she gets the other one-on-one date. Kelsey is disappointed. She says it is unacceptable.

Soules and Carly toast to their awkward date. She says she hasn’t been intimate with someone in a year and a half. Her last boyfriend didn’t want to be physical with her. He never touched her. And you went out with him for TWO YEARS, Carly? This date is just shocking me all over the place. It made her feel undesirable and has lowered her confidence. She’s scared that if she’s intimate with someone, it’s going to be taken away in an instant. That fear? Carly, it’s like we’re twins. Intimate vulnerability is basically the worst thing ever. It’s terrifying. She says that Soules made her feel very comfortable. Soules follows this by telling her the positive things about herself. He tells her that he feels that where he lives, what he does for work, it’s just not good enough. Carly says that when one finds that person one is in love with, all the other things don’t matter. She tells him he doesn’t have to fear that he’s not good enough. They are freaking adorable. Carly: “I feel like it’s a reciprocated relationship. I have not had a reciprocated relationship in a long time.” Soules offers Carly the rose and she accepts.

Group date! They head to the Rio Grande river to go rafting. Kelsey is still bitter. Megan is excited. I would have liked to see her moment of realization when they landed in New Mexico, rather then Mexico. She’s scared that the river is full of alligators and dead bodies. You’re pretty special, Megan. The instructor guy scares the sh*t out of the girls and then is all, have fun!

They take off, falling down the rapids, having loads of fun, when all of a sudden Jade falls into the water. Um, !!!!! An oar is extended to her and she quickly grabs it and hops back in. Phew! Apparently Jade has a condition where her body can go into hypothermia quickly. Soules helps her as much as he can. Mackenzie is all bitter and whiny. Kelsey is also whiny. Both ladies wish they’d fallen in the water. LISTEN. I’m pretty sure Jade wishes she didn’t fall in the water, you @$$es. I’m betting Jade gets the group date rose. Kelsey: “I’m not going to get any attention because I’m fine.” Oh shut up, Kelsey.

They head to have some drinks and Whitney is panicking about her lack of one-on-one time with him. Soules is on his way to meet with the girls when Jordan (the drunk upside down twerky one eliminated in week two) greets him. He’s just a wee bit surprised. She wants time for him to get to know her. Soules says he let her go because it seemed that she wasn’t taking the whole thing seriously. The other girls are concerned as to where Soules is. Soules said he let her go because she was over-drinking and wasn’t being serious about thing at all. After they chat a bit, Soules brings Jordan in to hang out with the group date girls. They’re totally stoked to see her. Except not at all.

Ashley I tells Soules that she doesn’t think Jordan is wife material. Jordan tries to defend herself. I’d be willing to bet a bazillion dollars that she doesn’t get the rose. The girls kindly jump on her. Soules is frustrated that the girls are talking more about Jordan than what they have with Soules. Kaitlyn says she didn’t want to talk about Jordan, which is quite rad. The girls debate back and forth about welcoming or not welcoming Jordan, or if she is even wife material. Jade gets her time with Soules and brings up Jordan. To be fair to the girls, he did ask for their opinion. That is why they keep talking about her.

Back at the house Carly and Britt bond over their one-on-one dates. Apparently Britt has not showered in weeks. For real, Britt? Date card! “Britt, the sky’s the limit! Chris.” Britt: “Nooooooo!!!” She breaks down and says she’s TERRIFIED of heights. “I just … I can’t do it.”

Things are tense at the group date cocktail party. Soules takes Jordan aside and tells her that he just can’t do this to the other ladies. “I just can’t, you know?” Whitney tries to defend Jordan when she walks back in with Soules. The girls say goodbye to Jordan. She is understandably upset, but listen, lady. This has been tried before on multiple occasions and it has never worked out. Soules apologizes to the girls about the whole Jordan thing. He picks up the rose and offers it to … Whitney. (I was wrong!) She obviously accepts it. Soules: “You could cut the tension with a knife when I gave that rose to Whitney. The girls are having a tough time.” The girls are obviously upset, and Kaitlyn asks around, “Who’s pissed? Who’s pissed?”

Megan, Ashley I, Mackenzie, and Megan take off. Whitney regales the evening to Britt and Carly. Whitney: “Ashley was very upset, and it was hurtful. It was hurtful.”

Obnoxious music plays while Soules walks down the hotel hall. He sets off to wake her up and scare the hell out of her. He sneaks into their room at 4:32am. She’s a little shocked. I think she sleeps with makeup on. Carly isn’t impressed. Especially when she hears them kiss. “That’s not a cool way to wake up.” Carly confirms that Britt puts makeup on before going to bed. Britt is so relieved when she sees a hot air balloon. I don’t know that there is any way you could get me into a hot air balloon. No.

They hop into the basket thinger and hold each other while they glide along. They check out the wildlife below and watch the rising sun. Soules says he felt something for Britt right away when they first met, which is why he gave her the first-impression rose. I dunno, though. I don’t see them together, and I’m growing less and less fond of her.

(Ok, the following two paragraphs happen intertwined in each other, back and forth between the girls and Britt & Soules, but I’m just going to put the separate scenes together to make it less confusing.)

Back at the house the girls guess that the date is a hot air balloon sunrise thing and are kind of just generally annoyed with Britt. Carly says she told Britt to shower, shave her legs, and wash her hair. Ashley I says something like, remember the other day when we were talking about how much we just wanted to get married and have kids, and Britt is all, I don’t understand that, that’s not me, I love being single. She’s not ready to get married or have kids. Carly: “On a scale of one to manipulative, Britt is … what’s higher than manipulative?” Carly is hurt that Soules shushed her that morning so he could wake Britt, followed by him kissing Britt. Ok, dude, that was just mean and cruel. They talk about how Soules & Britt’s connection is more sexual than deep.

Soules and Britt pull up to a casino and he leads her into a hotel room. “I can’t believe how clean it is!” I’m confused as to why she’d need a hotel room … Britt asks Soules how many kids he’d like to have, and he says as many as possible. (Aww!) She says she wants, like, a hundred. Soules offers Britt the rose and then tells her that the date is not over. Aaaaaand they’re in bed together. Um, FOR REAL?! Like, REALLY????? Cut to Soules shutting the doors of the bedroom. Oh my word, dude, you are such a … bad person.

Aaaand scene(s).

Oh, wait. At the beginning they talked about a pregnancy scare. Is this it? Is this from where that commenced? I just … UGH.

Britt comes back to the house holding the rose. She tells the other girls about her and Soules’ date. She’s got an obnoxious smile on her face. She says that they went back to his room (Ooohhh, now the “it’s so clean!” makes sense) and “had coffee” and then took a “nap”! YOU TOLD THEM! YOU TOLD THEM THAT, BRITT?! You ho-bag douche-canoe. The other girls are SHOCKED. “Yea, we were just in his room for like two hours.”

Kelsey gets all worked up and takes off to Soules’ room. He answers the door and invites her in. “The other girls don’t know that I’m here.” “Well done.” She tells him about her late husband, about their life together, and about his death. She gets a bit emotional, but she’s ok by the time she’s done telling him stuff. She then kisses him.

AND THEN in her on-camera interview thing she says, “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic. But it’s amazing.” Um, WHAT?! So you’re using it to manipulate him, yes? This isn’t ok. I mean, it SUCKS that your husband died, Kelsey, but using him to manipulate another guy to marry you? No. “I love my story.” She says the kiss had been building and now it finally happened. “This is a show about Chris, but this is my love story, too. This is the story unfolding of somebody who’s been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and another relationship. And I’m so glad that the first kiss is something that can be written in the storybooks.” I cannot even. “Hell yes I’m getting a rose tonight! Tune in, Mondays at 8:00 the love story unveiled.” I just … I have no more words about that.

Cocktail party! Ashley I says this has been the most emotional week yet. She says it’s not fair that Britt got private time with him. Mackenzie feels like Soules has forgotten about her. Ashley I says that Sam, Becca, and Mackenzie can relate to her because none of the four of them has had a one-on-one date. Sometimes I forget that Sam and Becca are there. They seems like fillers. Kelsey says that she’s being very comfortable. Whitney: “Even the people with roses feel uncomfortable. But not Kelsey. She seems very calm and confident coming into the rose ceremony. It’s very interesting. Like, I can’t pinpoint it, but something’s just not adding up.”

Soules arrives! He says the week has been tough and emotional, and he apologizes for the whole Jordan thing. He also says that this day is tough. That Kelsey and he had an emotional conversation that kinda hit home for this whole process. He thought about some things today that … he seems to be trying to hold back emotions or something. “I’m gonna take a second.” He walks out quite emotional. Harrison catches up with Soules and says that he’s had a tough week and it’s been harder on him than he thought it would be.

Whitney is annoyed at Kelsey for trying to manipulate Soules and that she wasn’t going to tell them till the cocktail party. Lady, you wouldn’t have brought it up at all if Soules didn’t. “I didn’t want you to be jealous of the time.” Whitney: “She’s just … not always nice.” Kelsey talks like she knows all, and then goes into a whole “time is precious” think that just seems SO FAKE. Lady, it is so not ok that you are using your husband’s death as a manipulation tool. Not cool. “And it means I have to say goodbye to one of you, to people. I’m not going, I mean, I don’t know if I’m going, but saying goodbye is hard.” Megan [paraphrased]: “WTF?!”

The girls are wondering what is up with Soules. Kelsey has a smile plastered on her face. Harrison comes in and says that Soules is a bit emotional, but that he knows what he’s going to do here tonight. He doesn’t want to delay the inevitable. There will not be a cocktail party. He tells the girls to get ready for the rose ceremony. Ashley I is a wreck. “My story is nothing compared to hers.” Look, everyone has a story. Everyone. Kelsey is a mess and does not want to go to the cocktail party. She takes off and the next thing you know she’s on the floor with a paramedic. “You might need to call 9-1-1.” What?!

TO BE CONTINUED. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME BACHELOR EPISODES DO NOT HAVE TBCs. You know, I am usually completely disinterested in spoilers, but this has got me wanting to go find some because if Britt wins I am going to be UP. SET. I don’t even know what to think after this episode.

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Short version:

Chris tells the girls they’re heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Megan is stoked because she’s never been to Mexico and can’t wait to see the sombreros and beaches. She’s dead serious.

Date card! Ashley I says she deserves the date card more than anyone else, but it goes to Carly. She and Soules have basically the most awkward meeting with a relationship counsellor (read: sex counsellor) who makes them do all sorts of “bonding” activities that are seriously weird, including telling them to undress each other, which Carly puts a stop to. They do end up bonding, though, and have an emotional interaction at dinner, getting into deep conversations about relationships and insecurities and fears. He offers the rose and she accepts.

Date card! Jade, Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mckenzie, Becca, Samantha, Ashley I, and Kelsey go on a river-rafting adventure following a you-might-die talk from the rafting instructor. Oh, and after Megan fears that there might be alligators and dead people in the water. Seriously, this girl. They go down the river fine and all until Jade falls overboard. Soules catches her right away with his paddle, but she’s hypersensitive to hypothermia so they get her warm ASAP. Jade and Ashley I wish they’d been the ones to fall into the water so they could have attention. FOR REALS?! At the group date cocktail party, Jordan comes by and begs Soules for another chance. He lets her come into the cocktail party for a bit but ends up sending her home. Lady, the whole “I’m back!” thing never works. Ever. So stop trying. A the end of the cocktail party, Whitney gets a rose.

Date card! The second one-on-one date card goes to Britt. She apparently hasn’t showered in weeks. Carly tells her to shower, shave her legs, and wash her hair. Britt then apparently puts on makeup before going to bed. As we all do. At 4:30am Soules comes in to wake her up, shushing all the girls, including Carly. Jerkface. He even kisses Britt in front of the other girls. He takes Britt on a hot air balloon ride as the sun rises. Next they head to his hotel room (!!!) where they talk about kids and such. Back at the house the girls learn that while the rest of them just want to get married and have kids, Britt says she doesn’t want that kind of stuff for a while and that she loves being single. Um. Next. NEXT they have a nap. A “NAP”. Sure you were just sleeping. Sure you were. Britt returns to the house and brags about their date and their “nap”. The previews at the beginning of the season show a “pregnancy test” so maybe this is where that is from? Who the heck knows.

Kelsey sneaks off to Soules’ room and tells him about her marriage and her husband’s death. It’s an emotional scene, but then when it’s over she tells the camera in a braggy-type voice, “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s amazing.” Ok. Something is up here.

Cocktail party! The girls are all nervous. Soules comes in and says that it’s been an emotional and tough week, especially after his talk with Kelsey, and then he cannot talk any more. He looks like he’s getting a bit worked up. He leaves, and Harrison finds him and asks what’s up. Soules says it’s been a hard week and he just needs a moment. He’s gone for a while and the girls wonder what’s up. Kelsey tells them about her talk with Soules and she seems quite confident that she’s getting a rose. The girls are quite annoyed that Kelsey is using her husband’s death to manipulate Soules into keeping her around. Moments later she takes off and is found in the hallway with an on-site paramedic. She’s sobbing and having trouble breathing and the paramedic says to call 9-1-1.

TO BE CONTINUED. I mean, FOR REAL.

Categories: bachelor(ette)

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