If you want the super-short version, scroll to the end.
Twenty-one remain. Who will be
voted off sent home tonight?
Or maybe twenty-two remain? Why is Kimberly going back into the mansion? She pulls Soules out and says that she didn’t get a chance to talk to him tonight and doesn’t deserve to go home. The women inside are all, hey, when you’re done, you’re done! Go home! Being sent home means that you go home.
Kimberly is still saying, I deserve to stay! I feel like I was supposed to stay! I deserve to stay! Listen, lady. This isn’t about you. “I don’t want to put him in a tough spot.” Really? REALLY? You’re a yoga instructor. Maybe calm down a little?
Soules seeks the wisdom of Harrison who tells him that there are no rules, that this is his life. If he wants her to stay, she stays. OH NO SOULES TAKES HER BACK. He explains to the ladies the he wants to give her that opportunity. Oh, wow, is she ever going to get it from the ladies tonight. They all cheer and go hug her though. What does this say for the future girls? If they get sent home, they get to convince him to not let them go? This should be interesting.
The next morning Harrison and Soules have a chat. Soules: “I don’t remember much from last night.” Harrison then goes in to talk to the girls and hands out the first date card. But before that, he tells the girls that Soules lives just down the driveway. Where there is an outdoor shower because he can’t afford an indoor shower? Nice hoodie, Soules. Is that a thing now? Wearing a hoodie half-way zipped down like a deep v-neck? You’re falling victim to the style of one of the producers, aren’t you? *cough*Elan Gale*cough*
Date card! “Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara. Show me your country. Chris.” Kimberly is stoked. The other girls are not. The six ladies walk into TenTen Wilshire, and they are excited. Oh, Tara. You are a unique one. Pool party! Chicken fight! Soules: “I’m taking things to the next level today.” I’d like these levels written down, Soules, because this is the first time of many that you are going to say this. Soules and Kimberly re-live the limo scene so they can start fresh. Ok then.
Two of the left-behind girls, Megan and Jillian (and Jillian’s butt which has to be blanked out), break into Soules’ house. They put on his motorbike helmet and ram their heads into his walls.
Back on the date, Soules and the girls are walking down the street in their bikinis. Yea, that’s a good idea. They walk up to a bunch of tractors. They are having a tractor race. Listen, if I were to have a tractor race, I’d be wanting to wear a little more than a bikini. But then, I also wouldn’t walk down a street in LA (or any other city) wearing a bikini.
Tractor race time! Soules: “I am the luckiest guy with two thumbs.” As the race starts, though, Soules says, “It’s kind of like watching old people go down the street with walkers.” Soules, I’d put the pedal to the metal. Not because I want to be a bachelorette but because I can’t stand driving slowly. Ashley I won the race and gets some one-on-one time.
Juelia has a daughter called Ireland? Rad name, lady. Ireland was the name we were to give Preston had he been a girl. Ireland Renae, after my sister because she’s the only one of my siblings not named after anyone. It’s really too bad we didn’t have boy/girl twins because I really love that name. Anyway, Juelia’s husband killed himself shortly after Ireland was born. She says she knew he was struggling but didn’t understand. That’s rough. I know that situation kind of intimately and ANYWAY LET’S MOVE ON. Juelia is the second widow this season.
Back to the date! Ashley I got the most time with Soules, which the other girls are obviously jealous of. They all sit together after Soules and Ashely I return, and Soules says that he’s finishing the date with just one girl, Mackenzie. I didn’t see him picking her, but I like her. Again the other girls aren’t stoked, but that’s just too bad. Kimberly gives a speech about how Soules is so understanding and sweet while the other girls glare at her like OF COURSE YOU THINK SO HE LET YOU BACK IN. Tara then gives an I-feel-sorry-for-myself speech.
Soules and Makenzie walk into the restaurant Escondite. He says what a great energy she has. Mackenzie comments on Soules’ no-longer-pierced ear, and then tells him the things she looks for in a guy’s appearance. 1. A prominent nose. (You have such a perfectly good nose!)(Soules: “I’ve never had that conversation on a first date. Not gonna lie. She’s tellin’ me she likes big noses. It’s just a little bit weird.”) 2. “Do you believe in aliens?” (Soules: “The fact that she’s talking about aliens on a first date is kind of a red flag for me.”) She tells him she hasn’t been on a date for a year. (I just don’t want him to think I’m a psychopath.) She then tells him about her son Kale and shows him Kale’s photo. Soules loves kids, and admires her for what she does. He picks up the rose and gives it to Mackenzie. Then they dance and make out.
Date card! “Megan, Love is a natural wonder. Chris.” Megan is unaware that this is a date card. Not a love note. Ok, have you seen this show before, Megan?
Mackenzie recounts her date with Soules, bragging about kissing him. The other girls are totally stoked about this, obviously.
Soules and Megan head off in a limo. They take off in a private jet to Las Vegas and then hop into a helicopter. Because a Bachelor date is not complete without a helicopter. They fly over the Hoover Dam and the desert and the Grand Canyon.
Megan tells the story of how she got to be one of the Bachelor contestants. It started with her boss telling her to apply, and then her dad died of a massive heart attack. Her mom, though, encouraged her to follow her heart. After talking for a while, Soules pulls out a rose and offers it to Megan. She accepts, of course. And then they kiss for a while. Megan is over the moon. And, it seems, so is Soules.
Date card! “Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, and and Britt. Till death do us part! Chris.” The girls are a wee bit confused, but head out on their 11-on-one date with Soules.
The limo pulls up to a pitch-black building and they’re completely terrified. A zombie suddenly pops into the window, then the whole car is surrounded by zombies. Soules comes to save the day. Soules leads them into an armory with what I’m guessing are paintball guns. Britt: “I’m amazing at paintball.” Soules: “Ashley couldn’t comprehend that we’re shooting zombies, not each other.” I’m wondering how much armour these “zombies” are wearing. Ashley S then walks into the middle of a crowd of zombies. Yea. Ok. This woman is kind of off her rocker. Jillian: “Ashley S is crazy. She’s clearly terrified because someone gave her a gun.” Ashley then goes and shoots aleady-dead zombies. Lady. These are people dressed as zombies. You’re inflicting them with more pain than needed, you crazy woman. Ashley is the one who was looking for coconut flowers last week, right? Soules: “I’m not sure what’s going on with Ashley. She’s in a different world, there’s no question.”
Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls are wearing face-masks and twerking. Oh, no. No, no, no. And Jordan is drunk. For the fourth night in a row, apparently. She does a handstand against a wall and gets her twerk on.
Back at the date, one of the girls asks Ashley if she shot her in the ankle. Ashley: “I would never shoot a person.” Of course you wouldn’t. Juelia: “Ashley is in Ashleyland right now.” Amber: “Something’s not all there.” Kaitlyn: “I think Ashley S would eat the rose.”
Kaitlyn & Soules get some time to talk. Be cool, Canadian girl. She then makes fun of her Canadian-ness. And then she gets a kiss. Yay, Canada!
Ashley comes back to the rest of the girls and they ask her where she’s been. She responds: “I heard the truth. That’s all. I mean, that’s how I feel. That’s how I feel, it’s like … BOOM.” Uh, what? “Boom. Like the truth. Boom. Go, like, go.” GO WHERE? “Go find your own way to the truth.” WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! The other girls wonder if they should talk to Soules about her. Ashley walks off in a cloud of butterflies and runs into Soules.
Ashley: “Don’t worry.”
Soules: “Don’t worry. I’m not worried. Do you wanna walk?”
Ashley: “I want you to hide.”
Ashley: “Yea, let’s play hide and seek.”
And then the cloud of butterflies return and the two of them go for a walk. Oh my word. Soules: “I have never met anyone like Ashley in my entire life.”
Kaitlyn: “I am more scared of her than any zombie that could have ever attacked the limo.”
So, is she for real? Or is she playing it up with an expert poker-face? Or is she just a woman who is a fan-freaking-tastic actor? I can’t tell. She talks kind of like Luna Lovegood, except Luna is sane x1000 compared to Ashley.
Soules: “How you doin? Are you holding up ok?”
Ashley: “No. I don’t even know what you’re asking me.”
Soules: “Well, let’s go back, and maybe get some one-on-one time tomorrow.”
Ashley: “You don’t want to lose the whole world. Right? But actually, you don’t want to gain the world. You don’t want to lose your sole mate.”
Kaitlyn: “People watch the show and they see crazy people here, and think, is that staged? Is she an actress? What’s going on? Is she really that crazy? And I’m here to tell everyone that Ashley is full-blown … a crazy girl on The Bachelor.” Well, that answers my questions.
Ashley is now crawling around on the driveway (?) and Soules says that something has obviously gotten to her head. Uh, yea, that’s an understatement.
Britt pulls Soules aside. She says nice things, he says nice things. He got her a gift. A note that says, “Free kiss, from Chris.” At this point, it seems like she’ll be in the running for a while, if not the last one standing. I don’t know, to quote Harrison, “I think there’s some chemistry there.”
Chris goes back to the rest of the group. He picks up the group date rose and offers it to Kaitlyn. Yay, Canada! Britt is disappointed
Cocktail party! So far, Mackenzie, Megan, and Kaitlyn have roses. Whitney drags Soules off to some one-on-one time and gives Soules a bottle of wine he mentioned is his favourite. Soules seems to be pretty happy about it. Soules comes back to the girls and drags one of them off. At this point Ashley I tells Mackenzie and Megan that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend before. Um, and you came on The Bachelor to do this?! Oy. The two other girls are jealous. Mackenzie: “Well, I have a kid, so that’s kind of a give-away.”
Soules takes Ashley I away. She shows Soules her belly button ring and says he has three wishes. Soules says that he wanted to kiss her earlier at the tractor pull, so he’ll use his first wish to kiss her. She tells him that he has to rub the bellybutton ring first. Really? I’m not believing your story here, lady. So, he rubs the belly button ring and then they make out in front of everyone. A bit more hardcore than one would imagine one would do in front of one’s 21 other girlfriends. Britt is hurt. Which is understandable. I mean, yea, this whole process is a little … polygamous … but maybe “one-on-one” time should be a little more … inconspicuous?
Amber then takes Soules aside and they kiss as well. She tells Jordan, and Jordan freaks out a bit (in an excited, can’t believe it kind of way) and then tries to make out with the camera. Um. Jordan “goes in for the kill”. She goes and awkwardly breaks up a conversation. She asks him if he likes lipstick/herlipstick, and he asks her if she sees lipstick on him, and she asks him why he would have lipstick on him. His laugh makes me laugh. It’s pretty rad. He’s trying not to laugh at her drunken state. She then tells him that she wants to kiss him, that she just has to “go in for the kill!” And this is awkward. She tries to kiss him and he stands up and turns away a bit. “I should have kissed him.” Yea, because he wanted you so bad.
Rose Ceremony! Harrison comes in to get Soules.
Ok, guesses. Mackenzie, Megan, and Kaitlyn already have roses. Tara & Jordan have kind of been drunk the whole time. Ashley S is insane. Ashley I had a good make-out sesh with him. Soules obviously likes Britt. I bet she gets first rose. Soules tells Harrison that he’s got difficult decisions to make. But here goes!
Soules thanks the girls for being there, and that there will be ups and downs, but it’s worth it to find his wife. He picks up the first rose. Britt. (I was right!) Ashley I. (Tara is freaking out.) Trina. Kelsey. (Tara is freaking out.) Samantha. (Tara is shaking her head.) Juelia. Jillian steps forward, Soules specifies Juelia, and Jillian slips on the rug and hardcore bails. She then steps back and can’t stop laughing. Ashley I puts her arm around Jillian to keep her up. That’s got to be awkward. Amber. Tracy. Jillian. (Lots of laughs.) Jade. (Jordan wonders if Soules will keep Ashley S around.) Nikki. (Ashley S: “I think that I’m Chris’s type, but I’m not really like all the other girls her, so.”) Becca. (Kimberly is freaking out.) Carly. Whitney. (Jordan’s hair is a complete mess.) Harrison announces the final rose. DRAMATIC MUSIC. Ashley S. (OH MAH WORD.) Actually, maybe I’d have kept her around as well, just to see WHAT THE HECK she is all about.
Four girls going home: some girl whose name I can’t remember, Jordan, Kimberly, Tara. (I thought we had a connection. I thought I was his number one. But I’ve never been anyone’s number one. I’ll get used to rejection one day.)
Coming up! Next week on The Bachelor! Well, this should be fun. Someone walks into Soules’ room, bends down, and looks him straight in the face. “Chris. Chris, wake up. My name is Jimmy Kimmel.” Chris looks up, points in an I-know-who-you-are-holy-crap kind of way, and says, “What the -bleep_?!” I’m already excited!
Ok, so, three women overlap between Soules’ People article and the six who were highlighted at the beginning of last week’s episode: Britt, Whitney, and Kelsey. I know on Sean’s season Catherine was one of the highlighted ones, so let’s see if that rings true in Soules’ season as well. According to People and Soules’ interview with Kimmel last week, Ashley S is craaaazy, but then, we already knew that. Who do I think will be the last one standing? I honestly don’t know. When I searched for Soules’ Kimmel interview on YouTube, a video from Reality Steve (aka Mr. Spoilers) came up showing the one who went away from the final rose crying. So I know who one of the final two are, which frustrates me, but oh well. I still don’t know who wins overall, but maybe Britt? She’s an early front-runner. Or maybe Kaitlyn the Canadian? We shall see!
Kimberly gets to return. (Whut?!) There are two group dates and a one-on-one date. Mackenzie has some one-on-one time at the end of the first group date, which goes both well and awkward. She tells Soules about her kid, which goes well, but she asks some awkward questions which are awkward. She gets a rose. Megan goes on the one-on-one date, there is a helicopter ride through the grand canyon, she tells Soules that her dad died a few months back, just after she was told to go to LA for the Bachelor. She gets a rose.
Jordan gets drunk at the house and goes on an upside-down twerkathon. The second group date shoots zombies with paintball guns. Ashley S doesn’t understand that they are shooting real people dressed as zombies. Kaitlyn the Canadian: “People watch the show and they see crazy people here, and think, is that staged? Is she an actress? What’s going on? Is she really that crazy? And I’m here to tell everyone that Ashley is full-blown … a crazy girl on The Bachelor.” Kaitlyn gets the rose on that group date.
At the cocktail party, Ashley I makes some crazy moves, Soules kisses a bunch of girls, and hilarity and drama ensue. Britt, Ashley I, Trina, Kelsey, Samantha, Juelia, Amber, Tracy, Jillian, Jade, Nikki, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and Ashley S (???) are chosen to stay. Eighteen remain. Is it next week yet?