≡ Menu

decisions decisions

Hello from the prodigal blogger!

I have a confession to make. A couple days ago, I was going to shut this site down. I’ve done it a couple times before, temporarily, but at that moment, I was going to shut it down permanently.

You see, I don’t deal with stress well. Stress turns me into an unrecognizable (to most) form of me. My husband knows this part of me well, as he is (the victim) who sees it the most. Outside my home, I’m really good at being fake. Not that I’m fake in my relationships, but I’m fake in my Hi! I’m good! Everything is going just fine! I have no problems! It’s not real. It’s a facade. It’s a mask.

That day last week was an extremely stressful one. I think it was Thursday. I was trying to potty train Liliana (I think this is attempt #3) and it was NOT going well. She screamed almost the entire day. She did not nap. She sat in her room and screamed for a couple hours instead. I put a diaper on her after two hours of (no accidents, but) not peeing on the potty toilet and not wanting to even sit on the potty toilet and not wanting to go anywhere near the potty toilet. She continued in her screaming all the live long day.

That sounds pretty normal and trivial, right? Well I cannot handle it. Even those potty training stressors make my head start to pound and it feels as though it is about to implode. Bad thoughts start to flood my head – about how my family would be better off without me – about how I want to leave them and live by myself where I don’t have to have any responsibility over anyone else’s life – about how I really don’t want to live at all anymore. It’s not a good place. I cannot control my thoughts. Fortunately, though, I can control my actions. I know that my going insane is NOT Liliana’s fault and I do my very best not to take it out on her (or Kaylie) (Noah isn’t so lucky).

I put Liliana in a diaper to do away with that stressor. I put on a movie and let her watch it while I tried to calm down. But, she didn’t want to put a diaper on, she didn’t want to watch that movie, she didn’t want to put clothes on, she didn’t want to do anything I asked her to do. In our house, that doesn’t matter, as parents always win and she does the things she is told whether she likes it or not.

When my mind goes to that dark place, I start to close down socially as well. Those are the times when I put my phone on do not disturb, my Facebook account disappears for a week or two, or my blog disappears for a couple days or weeks. This time, it was going to be permanent. I’d even designed a static page with a little poem about how it was the end of heymrswilson.net.

And then I didn’t do it.

I’ve found that it’s not a good idea to make decisions while I’m in that dark headspace. (Duh.) So, here I am. I’m still here. I don’t know where to go from here. I could just post photos and little things about the kids – as they’re not the ones who are mentally unstable. They’re doing just fine. (Really.) I could do as I do in real life and pretend that everything is all peachy and write all happily with glee. But, that would be fake. That would go against the whole reason I started blogging in the first place.

So where do I go from here? I don’t know. But I’m going to ask for your patience while I figure it out. I really love this little space that I have on the internet, and I love the friends that I’ve made through it (even though I neglect them all too often because I’m an anti-social hermit afraid of any and all relationships with other human beings).

Thanks for your patience. I owe you one.

Categories: anxiety/depression

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • schmutzie Monday, October 19, 2009, 10:53 am

    I’m glad you’re staying! I’ve been blogging for over six years, and I’ve often thought of shutting it all down when I go through dark times, which I’m prone to, but I’ve stayed, and I’m so glad that I have. Even if you feel that you can’t share everything at all times, it’s good to leave this place open for when you do feel you can. We’ll still be here.
    .-= schmutzie´s last blog ..Ask Me A Question, I’ll Tell You No Lies =-.

  • bethany actually Monday, October 19, 2009, 11:36 am

    I’m glad you didn’t make your site go away! Even though I know where to find you in real life, I would have missed you on the internet. :-)

    xxoo
    .-= bethany actually´s last blog ..Nebraska-Indiana trip: Indiana, part 2 =-.

  • Roxy Monday, October 19, 2009, 11:39 am

    **hugz**

    I’m glad you aren’t shutting your blog down. I enjoy it because there’s so much here that I can relate to, and it’s nice to feel like I’m not the only one.
    .-= Roxy´s last blog ..Woe is me … =-.

  • Meg Monday, October 19, 2009, 11:59 am

    I’m glad too, that you didn’t shut ‘er down!
    We’ll all still be here when you decide what direction you want this blog to take :)
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..I almost didn’t come home… =-.

  • Kami Monday, October 19, 2009, 1:26 pm

    Good decision. This is your place and you can do with it what you will. I, for one, will still be here when you decide and I’ll still be here in real life too.

    No facade required.

    :)

    Love you!
    .-= Kami´s last blog ..The stages of mothehood =-.

  • Teresa Monday, October 19, 2009, 1:47 pm

    Aww, glad you’re staying online. I wish that you didn’t live so far away, and your blog makes me feel more connected to ya!
    Hope your week gets better…
    Did you get the box yet?
    .-= Teresa´s last blog ..Aldor Acres 2009 =-.

  • Ann Matthews Monday, October 19, 2009, 1:56 pm

    Just take a break, you don’t need another thing taking your time away from what needs to be done. When you feel the need or want to blog in the next little while read Gods Word.

    You need to get yourself into a better position…you know that many people love you and want you to be healthy and happy. You also need to call people if you are feeling like that, taking yourself away doesn’t make it better!!
    .-= Ann Matthews´s last blog ..Biting the Bullet =-.

  • Angella Monday, October 19, 2009, 2:35 pm

    I think about blowing mine up, oh, DAILY if that makes you feel better.

    Just write when you want to and don;t when you don’t want to. Easier said than done, I know. xoxo
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..A Whole New World =-.

  • Casey Monday, October 19, 2009, 3:11 pm

    I know that dark place all too well. I’m there often. I opened up a private blog where I can bitch and rant and just let all my frustrations out without worrying about anyone looking down on me. just remember to breathe :)
    .-= Casey´s last blog ..wrist warmers =-.

  • Jill Wiens Monday, October 19, 2009, 5:00 pm

    Please don’t shut down. I’d miss you. We’d have to crawl out of our hermit worlds and hang out for real (hmmm…. maybe we should do that anyways).
    .-= Jill Wiens´s last blog ..A few of my favorite things… =-.

  • Katie Monday, October 19, 2009, 6:14 pm

    We’ve all thought of shutting our blogs down.. Luckily we never do. I’m glad you stuck around. Even though I don’t actually know you I would miss reading about you and your family. I like that you do keep it real. That you do admit when life is sucking hard core. It makes me feel like I’m not alone and I’m sure if it helps me it’s probably helping a bunch of readers who don’t comment..
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..What happens when a friend offers to take you flying? =-.

  • Melissa Monday, October 19, 2009, 8:01 pm

    I’m glad you didn’t shut down the site, but I hope you realize you don’t owe us anything. This is your site and I feel lucky to get a glimpse into your life through it – whether it be a good or dark time for you. Write when you feel like it! I know you’ve heard it before, but I’ll say it again – there’s no need to put pressure on yourself. I (and I’m sure many others) will be here reading and supporting you when you do feel like it.

  • Patty Monday, October 19, 2009, 9:42 pm

    Jen

    When I was potty training my boys I often found myself repeating this line… ‘you don’t see very many 16 year olds still in diapers…so relax! That always made me realize that it will happen, I need to stay calm.

    As for how you are feeling…keep going…keep seeking out the help that you need and remember that there are people who are lifting you up before the Father and that He cares deeply for you and all that you are feeling.

  • Elizabeth Monday, October 19, 2009, 10:15 pm

    Hmmm… yep, that sounds like potty training over here, too. Maybe I will just wait for her to train herself. Sending you love.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..All Patched Up =-.

  • Kristin Tuesday, October 20, 2009, 4:59 am

    I would miss you if you were gone, I like to read what you have to say, weather it is about your cute girls, or what you are working through in your personal life.
    I would totally understand if you needed to leave though, you need to do what is best for you and your family.
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..38 weeks. =-.

  • MyKidsMom Tuesday, October 20, 2009, 3:46 pm

    I just don’t post all too often. Instead of shutting down permanently. I get the urge now and then, and the site is there for me when I feel like it. Even if no one reads it b/c I post like, once a month (or less! Or more! You never know!). But whatever. It’s there.
    Praying for you on your quest for mind peace. :D
    .-= MyKidsMom´s last blog ..Keeping up =-.

  • Jennifer Glen Tuesday, October 20, 2009, 4:38 pm

    Jen, you CAN control your thoughts. I used to believe that I couldn’t. When I heard the truth that I could, it was quite the revelation. You so, so, so can control your thoughts. Recognizing in the moment what you’re thinking is the first step, which I think you already do. Then comes intentionally deciding to think differently. Repeating truths to yourself (Bible verses are great for this) over and over. Jen, I had to do this this morning. I have to do it all the time. Thoughts CAN be controlled. You DON’T have to think those thoughts. I was wondering how you were doing lately.