Hello from the prodigal blogger!
I have a confession to make. A couple days ago, I was going to shut this site down. I’ve done it a couple times before, temporarily, but at that moment, I was going to shut it down permanently.
You see, I don’t deal with stress well. Stress turns me into an unrecognizable (to most) form of me. My husband knows this part of me well, as he is (the victim) who sees it the most. Outside my home, I’m really good at being fake. Not that I’m fake in my relationships, but I’m fake in my Hi! I’m good! Everything is going just fine! I have no problems! It’s not real. It’s a facade. It’s a mask.
That day last week was an extremely stressful one. I think it was Thursday. I was trying to potty train Liliana (I think this is attempt #3) and it was NOT going well. She screamed almost the entire day. She did not nap. She sat in her room and screamed for a couple hours instead. I put a diaper on her after two hours of (no accidents, but) not peeing on the potty toilet and not wanting to even sit on the potty toilet and not wanting to go anywhere near the potty toilet. She continued in her screaming all the live long day.
That sounds pretty normal and trivial, right? Well I cannot handle it. Even those potty training stressors make my head start to pound and it feels as though it is about to implode. Bad thoughts start to flood my head – about how my family would be better off without me – about how I want to leave them and live by myself where I don’t have to have any responsibility over anyone else’s life – about how I really don’t want to live at all anymore. It’s not a good place. I cannot control my thoughts. Fortunately, though, I can control my actions. I know that my going insane is NOT Liliana’s fault and I do my very best not to take it out on her (or Kaylie) (Noah isn’t so lucky).
I put Liliana in a diaper to do away with that stressor. I put on a movie and let her watch it while I tried to calm down. But, she didn’t want to put a diaper on, she didn’t want to watch that movie, she didn’t want to put clothes on, she didn’t want to do anything I asked her to do. In our house, that doesn’t matter, as parents always win and she does the things she is told whether she likes it or not.
When my mind goes to that dark place, I start to close down socially as well. Those are the times when I put my phone on do not disturb, my Facebook account disappears for a week or two, or my blog disappears for a couple days or weeks. This time, it was going to be permanent. I’d even designed a static page with a little poem about how it was the end of heymrswilson.net.
And then I didn’t do it.
I’ve found that it’s not a good idea to make decisions while I’m in that dark headspace. (Duh.) So, here I am. I’m still here. I don’t know where to go from here. I could just post photos and little things about the kids – as they’re not the ones who are mentally unstable. They’re doing just fine. (Really.) I could do as I do in real life and pretend that everything is all peachy and write all happily with glee. But, that would be fake. That would go against the whole reason I started blogging in the first place.
So where do I go from here? I don’t know. But I’m going to ask for your patience while I figure it out. I really love this little space that I have on the internet, and I love the friends that I’ve made through it (even though I neglect them all too often because I’m an anti-social hermit afraid of any and all relationships with other human beings).
Thanks for your patience. I owe you one.