I’m a dweller. I can’t help it. I over-analyse things. I can’t get away from the “what if”s.
Every morning Kaylie goes out to the van to warm it up. It takes about 10 minutes, so the younger kids and I get ready during that time because it takes 10 minutes for two young children to get their coats and toques and backpacks and boots on. By the time we get out to the van it’s warm and inviting.
The other day, though, I went through the car wash and then parked the van in the garage to dry so the doors didn’t freeze shut. We were heading out to drop off Liliana at dance and Preston at swimming, and I sent the kids out ahead of me. I walked into the garage minutes later to find that Kaylie had started the van. And not opened the garage doors. I kind of lost it on her. YOU AND YOUR SIBLINGS COULD HAVE DIED. LITERALLY DIED. Here’s hoping she actually remembers this. I told her that under no circumstances should the van ever be started ahead of time when it is in the garage. ESPECIALLY with the door closed. That’s the great thing about a garage. One doesn’t need to warm up their vehicle.
So I’ve been dwelling on that. The “what if”. Because what if I took another couple minutes? It doesn’t help that I just read an article about a guy trying to dig his running vehicle out of the snow with his wife and two small children inside. The tailpipe was blocked. The mom and two kids died. I know my kids are ok, but what if they weren’t? Over and over it plays in my head. I make myself sick.
I dwell on words too. Should I have said that? I shouldn’t have said that. No, wait, I should have. It was necessary-ish. It was just in conversation. Was it taken the wrong way? Was it offensive? But should I have said it? Totally. No, wait. No, I should not have said it. Rewind. REWIND!
It’s the same with friendships. Does this person like me? Are we friends? Am I a stage 5 clinger? No, we’re good. No, wait, what? I am unlovable and nobody likes me. Oh, wait, that person is being all friendly, so we’re friends, right? No? Yes? I’m going to hide in this hole here until you tell me WE ARE FRIENDS SHUT UP JEN. So we’re friends, right? I’m just going to go ahead and abandon all friendships and pretend nobody exists.
Parenting is harder. Should I have made that decision? It was the right one, right? Did I just scar my kid for life? Did he/she just learn a valuable life lesson? Was that too harsh? Was I too easy on him/her? I should really get after him/her for that. Or is that something that I should let slide? Is that a mountain? Or a molehill? Or a moletain? Nope, can’t let it slide. Yup, gotta let it slide. Nope.
And now, as I hit Publish, should I hit Publish? This is lame, I shouldn’t hit Publish. But I’m not the only one these things happen to, right? Because my favourite part of blogging is the ME TOOs. So I should hit Publish. I take it back! Unpublish! *hits Publish*