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every downward spiral needs a rock bottom, right?

downward spiral

taken in Saskatoon, July 2010

I saw it coming. I had nightmares warning me about it. I just didn’t know if or when it would actually happen.

That rock bottom.

This year has been such an emotional roller coaster that I guess it makes sense for it to end at the bottom. The last couple weeks have been the hardest, with each week getting progressively worse, slowly pushing me toward the edge. Tuesday I was pushed off. Violently.

I won’t get into all the details of what got me there, because they’re really not share-on-the-internet material. (I may have filled up someone’s inbox with texts though.) I truly believe that there is a direct correlation between being mentally/emotionally unwell and being physically unwell and neither are very pleasant. I had to leave work at noon, spent the rest of the day in bed not sleeping when I wasn’t in the washroom, spent the night wide awake not sleeping when I wasn’t in the washroom, and finally found an hour of sleep at about 5:30am.

I wasn’t in any shape to go in to work Wednesday morning and thankfully, I have a (well, three) job(s) at which I can make up hours so I don’t miss any income, because we really can’t afford to do that.

bright spot

Lynn Canyon, Vancouver, BC
July 2010

The bright spot throughout the day, the thing that kept me going, was my little Three’s incessant movements. He was moving around so much more than normal. He didn’t stop all day or all night. It’s like he was dancing around saying, “It’s okay, Mama, I’m alright, see? You can take me off your list of things to worry about!” It was like he wanted me to know that I wasn’t alone. It’s amazing how much love I find myself having for someone I haven’t even met; someone I only saw briefly on an ultrasound screen.

I have to say, though, that I found myself googling “is there such a thing as too much fetal movement?” at about 3am.

I came out of my room briefly on Tuesday evening to put together some dinner for the girls and Liliana came to me, looked me straight in the eye, and asked three times in a row if I was alright. I hate that she worries about me at only three years old. She gave me a big hug I told her I was fine, I just needed some rest. (Kaylie was too enthralled with the Monopoly app that Noah downloaded for his iPod to notice that I wasn’t around – and for that I was thankful.)

I have some work to do to get out of this mess. I need to do some letting go, some forgiving of others and myself (the latter being much harder), some breaking down of walls, some working out in the mood gym, some something. There’s nowhere to go but up now, right?

Maybe I’ll finally start preparing for Three’s arrival, as he will be here in three and a half months and we haven’t done anything yet. I have a hard time accepting some things as reality, okay?

And maybe I’ll have a shower. I know my family would appreciate that.

Categories: anxiety/depression

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Jen Thursday, December 16, 2010, 7:51 am

    Sending you lots of love Jen. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing in this department.

    My inbox is also available for you too.Anytime.

  • Jo Thursday, December 16, 2010, 8:12 am

    Jen, you are a unique and special person. We think the world of you! Sending you a great big warm and fuzzy, wrap all the way around your body hug! Love for all of us…….

  • Roxy Thursday, December 16, 2010, 10:48 am

    **HUG** (From Brandon as well)

    Sending buckets full of optimism in your direction and hoping the absolute best for you. What else are crazy fan-girls for, after all.

    <3
    .-= Roxy´s last blog .. =-.

  • Kami Thursday, December 16, 2010, 11:30 am

    You’re right, no where but up and I am underneath you “pushing” you in the right direction.

    I am always here, if you need me.

    xoxoxoxox
    .-= Kami´s last blog ..Remember Me =-.

  • teresa Thursday, December 16, 2010, 2:01 pm

    My inbox is here for you, too. Please fill it up, even if you need to just vent. I’m always here for you.

    Is there anything I can do?

    Also, I haven’t done much in the way of baby preperation either! I can’t believe our babies are less than 4 months away!!
    .-= teresa´s last blog ..Birthday Song for Eva =-.

  • bethany actually Thursday, December 16, 2010, 4:28 pm

    Showering is a good start! I didn’t get the chance to comment till now, but I’ve been praying for you all day whenever I think about you. xo
    .-= bethany actually´s last blog ..right now I’m the only one awake =-.

  • Lollie Thursday, December 16, 2010, 6:45 pm

    I found that those dark places were easier to get to when I was pregnant. Maybe hormones? I don’t know, but I would just pray for God to give me some grace and give me something from Him to focus on. I chalked up to being preggers and tried to look up:)
    Praying you can look up and know that we’ve all been to the bottom (more than once) and we all get back up again and you can too:) I know you will. Give yourself a break too, and some self pampering (bubble bath and candles;). Making a human isn’t an easy job, it’s hard work, and if you’re not feeling well even harder!
    Love you lots!

  • Meg Thursday, December 16, 2010, 10:05 pm

    Dude, the mental and physical go hand in hand, I’m sure of it. You’re growing a baby, which is hard work, plus everything else PLUS it’s cold and flu season! But it’s obvious that a LOT of people love you and see praying for you and sending healing vibes your way :) And I’m very excited you’re calling Three HE even if you’re unsure and who cares if Three turns out to be a girl, it totally seems so much more real with you calling him “him”!!

  • Melissa Thursday, December 16, 2010, 10:55 pm

    Always look up Jen, He will be there to lift you back up. Sending lots of prayers and internet hugs your way.

  • Ashley Thursday, December 16, 2010, 11:07 pm

    I’m sorry bottom has been found, I know everyone says “It’s only up from here”. Which it is, but when you’re sitting on your ass on the bottom, all that phrase makes you want to do is kick them in the nuts.

    I wish I was closer to do your laundry, or bring your family dinner and of course to pad your moments with Starbucks. Hang in there, we’re praying for you!
    .-= Ashley´s last blog ..The One about Scrooge =-.

  • Angella Friday, December 17, 2010, 10:25 am

    Hugs and hugs and hugs. Sorry I’m so late in reading this, friend. It’s been crazy here.

    Been praying for you all week, though. :)
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..‘Tis The Season =-.

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