≡ Menu

< / 2010 >

I’m going to do a super-intensive year-in-review for 2010. Are you ready?

There were parts that were super-awesome.
There were parts that were super-awful.
THE END.

I hope you all got through that alright, it took me many hours to type all that up.

In truth, I’m SO done with 2010 that I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. I tried to look through my 2010 photos to find my favorites, but after the first couple photo folders literally gave me a panic attack, I gave up. So, there. Goodbye extreme rollercoaster year, I’m glad you’re over. To be honest, I wish Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones would show up with their memory erasers and wipe 2010 from my memory. While they’re at it, they might as well take 2009 with it too.

Moving on!

“You gotta put your behind in your past.”– Pumbaa

I’ve come to really despise the word “past”. It’s what Noah used to refer to my life-before-him as. It’s also what makes me want to have a lobotomy.

As much as I have worked at trying to “get over” things in my life, both from before and after I met Noah, I’ve never come to the place where I could put the DONE! stamp on it. I was reading my friend Jen’s blog the other day (I’d link to it, but it’s set as private) and saw this quote:

“I want you all to know that I am making progress. The waves roll in a little less frequently, but they still roll in. And as far as getting over it, I won’t. I’ll get through it, not over it,”

– Mary Beth Chapman, Choosing to SEE

It’s like a light went on in my head. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I have to accept that some things, I will never get over them. BUT! I can get through them. Weird how something so simple can make such a difference.

Noah’s been doing his best to distract me from my weepiness with short-term plans – Christmas, baby prep, the baby coming (which is TOO CLOSE), family and friends who are coming to visit, and my dream of going to BlogHer ’11 in San Diego in August.

In the six-and-a-half years we’ve been together (ish), we’ve never really done a whole lot of long-term life planning. We’ve had potential plans, but we never really set a specific goal that we wanted to accomplish or a tentative time span in which to accomplish it. Noah’s been in university for what seems like forever, but things (babies, moves, family drama, lack of direction) keep coming up that have made it go on and on my friend.

It feels as though we’ve just been drifting along, going where life takes us, without any real direction. We (and I, before I met him) have made some not-so-great financial decisions, and we’ve spent the last couple years being responsible and fixing our mistakes and dealing with the consequences.

It seems that our only futuristic goal in life is to be debt-free. Although this goal will not change and it’s a good goal to have for obvious reasons, there’s got to be SOMETHING else to work toward. We’ve been working jobs that pay the bills, instead of ones we enjoy (although I quite enjoy the ones I have right now, I had some “fun” ones in Regina – like selling, um, man-part extenders) (yes, I’m dead serious). I’ve been shooting down a lot of dreams Noah has with my realism. He says, Hey! We should do this! and I say Hey! How are we gonna pay for that? (He’s the day-dream believer, I’m the home-coming queen dream-killing realist.)

I’m kind of sick of the drifting. The future scares the tar out of me, and I usually don’t like planning anything past tonight’s dinner because life’s got too many uncontrollable variables, but something’s got to change. I stole this from a comment on a friend’s Facebook status, spelling and grammar mistakes and all:

when you are out on a drive you have to look in your rear view mirror its like looking into your past however it cant be your focus because when your driving lifes journey youll crash if you dont drive the present

I did a bit of googling and found a couple articles with the same metaphor. A couple tidbits from them:

I’m talking about those little drops of negative emotional water that hit your brain, again and again, and in so doing create a groove or funnel for continued negative flashes.

What these flashes do is create habits of thought that affect our beliefs about our personal worth, ability and value. And those negative mirror flashes feed those two little worms – the “I am not worthy” one, and the “I am not able” one. And they grow. And we do it to ourselves.

[source]

So drive on ahead, but just make sure that your gaze is fixed ahead, using the rearview mirror sparingly, as nothing more than a simple reminder of what has already come and gone.

[source]

I guess what I’m trying to say in this discombobulated post is that I’m not looking to make a set-in-stone five-year plan, because my (our) life (lives) have been anything but predictable, but I want to be able to look out the front windshield and have a destination in mind, with only quick glances in the rear-view mirror to see how far I (we) have come. Sometimes I want to rip the rear-view mirror off the windshield and throw it out the window to watch it smash into a bazillion tiny little pieces, but I’m trying to get to the point where I’m thankful for what is behind me (us) because if I (we) did not drive through it, I (we) would not be where I (we) am (are). I want to drive over the mountains and through the valleys and always be thankful that they are there – knowing that they have their purpose.

And as for New Year’s Resolutions, my list is short.

1. have a baby
2. be more selfless
3. stop using so many brackets

Sounds accomplish-able, right? I’m already more than half-way done #1 already, is that cheating?

Categories: anxiety/depression

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • suzy Thursday, December 30, 2010, 8:49 am

    i love this post. strangely enough, it’s exactly what i was talking [bawling] to barclay about tuesday night. rear-view mirror analogy and all. CRAZY.
    very well said though. i think i should’ve asked you if you wanted to go for coffee sometime when you lived here. rats.

  • Kami Thursday, December 30, 2010, 11:24 am

    I love, love, love this Jen! I get what you are saying. Set some goals. Attainable goals. I am a very goal oriented person, it keeps me moving forward with a positive outlook.

    But why less brackets (brackets are cool)(see?)(okay, I’ll stop now).

    Huh, I think I may have just proved your point on using less brackets without even meaning to.

    :)

  • JennyBean Thursday, December 30, 2010, 11:43 am

    *sigh* I know the feeling. I’m so ready to say goodbye to this year…its been the worst of my life, hands down, and I’m SO ready for it to be over. But also feeling a little overwhelmed by the year to come, and the hope that things will change/improve. That rearview mirror can be suffocating sometimes (ok all the time).

  • bethany actually Thursday, December 30, 2010, 12:06 pm

    A combination of things in your post made me think of one of my favorite Steven Curtis Chapman songs, “When Love Takes You In.” The whole song is beautiful and the lyrics are wonderful—it’s about adoption, both a family adopting a child and how God adopts us as His own children when we are baptized into Christ’s death and resurrection, and the transformative power of love. I particularly was reminded of these lines:

    And like the rain that falls into the sea
    In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

    When love takes you in everything changes
    A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
    When love takes you home and says you belong here
    The loneliness ends and a new life begins
    When love takes you in it takes you in for good

    Those first two lines I quoted give me chills every time I hear them. It’s like Psalm 103:12, “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”

    Also, I cannot resist bringing up one of my favorite Bible verses, the one that has been the theme of my life as a Navy wife, James 4:13-15:

    Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

    I’m not saying you shouldn’t make plans, that is NOT what I am saying at all. I am saying what I have learned over the years of moving around and not knowing in May where we’re going to be living in October, is that I should make plans and trust that God is in control and that whatever happens He will give me the strength and resources to handle it. :-)

    It sounds like God knew what He was doing when He matched you and Noah! You can balance each other out as you dream and plan.

  • Jill Thursday, December 30, 2010, 12:57 pm

    Hey Jen,
    Thanks for sharing. Your blog is so beautifully honest.
    I recommend reading “The Happiness Project”. I read it this summer (I think) and it gave me mini-goal directions.
    I hope God gives you many blessing in 2011!

  • Laurie Thursday, December 30, 2010, 4:19 pm

    Lovely post.

    Very interesting for me to read as I am a planner with a capitol P!

    I pray that you will have an amazing year. That you will delight in your children and your marriage will be strong. Happy New Year!

  • Janna Thursday, December 30, 2010, 5:39 pm

    I was going to write something similar to the end of Bethany’s post. Mike and I don’t make a lot of plans. We’ve got dreams, we make loose goals, but, we’ve learned that God is steering our ship and he’s got it all under control. More often than not, the dreams happen (because God delights in his children and he loves to give us the desires of our hearts), but, he does enjoy the journey of us learning to trust the captain.

  • Annie Thursday, December 30, 2010, 10:29 pm

    I love what Bethany wrote…so true. Plans can be made…and Lord willing will happen…but not always!!

    You know my issue with dreams, yes I still have them and probably always will. Sometimes I do feel like I’m coasting without long term plans…but trying to make sure that I’m always in God’s will is more important.

    Love you!!

  • Angella Friday, December 31, 2010, 12:37 pm

    I loved this post and all of the comments and, yeah. I love you too, lady.

    Here’s to a fantastic 2011 (with lots of brackets)!

  • Meg Wednesday, January 5, 2011, 11:34 pm

    Brackets rock my socks!
    I keep changing my five year plan, I don’t think I could ever set one in stone :)
    It’ll all come together as it’s supposed to.