I’m going to do a super-intensive year-in-review for 2010. Are you ready?
There were parts that were super-awesome.
There were parts that were super-awful.
I hope you all got through that alright, it took me many hours to type all that up.
In truth, I’m SO done with 2010 that I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. I tried to look through my 2010 photos to find my favorites, but after the first couple photo folders literally gave me a panic attack, I gave up. So, there. Goodbye extreme rollercoaster year, I’m glad you’re over. To be honest, I wish Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones would show up with their memory erasers and wipe 2010 from my memory. While they’re at it, they might as well take 2009 with it too.
“You gotta put your behind in your past.”– Pumbaa
I’ve come to really despise the word “past”. It’s what Noah used to refer to my life-before-him as. It’s also what makes me want to have a lobotomy.
As much as I have worked at trying to “get over” things in my life, both from before and after I met Noah, I’ve never come to the place where I could put the DONE! stamp on it. I was reading my friend Jen’s blog the other day (I’d link to it, but it’s set as private) and saw this quote:
“I want you all to know that I am making progress. The waves roll in a little less frequently, but they still roll in. And as far as getting over it, I won’t. I’ll get through it, not over it,”
– Mary Beth Chapman, Choosing to SEE
It’s like a light went on in my head. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I have to accept that some things, I will never get over them. BUT! I can get through them. Weird how something so simple can make such a difference.
Noah’s been doing his best to distract me from my weepiness with short-term plans – Christmas, baby prep, the baby coming (which is TOO CLOSE), family and friends who are coming to visit, and my dream of going to BlogHer ’11 in San Diego in August.
In the six-and-a-half years we’ve been together (ish), we’ve never really done a whole lot of long-term life planning. We’ve had potential plans, but we never really set a specific goal that we wanted to accomplish or a tentative time span in which to accomplish it. Noah’s been in university for what seems like forever, but things (babies, moves, family drama, lack of direction) keep coming up that have made it go on and on my friend.
It feels as though we’ve just been drifting along, going where life takes us, without any real direction. We (and I, before I met him) have made some not-so-great financial decisions, and we’ve spent the last couple years being responsible and fixing our mistakes and dealing with the consequences.
It seems that our only futuristic goal in life is to be debt-free. Although this goal will not change and it’s a good goal to have for obvious reasons, there’s got to be SOMETHING else to work toward. We’ve been working jobs that pay the bills, instead of ones we enjoy (although I quite enjoy the ones I have right now, I had some “fun” ones in Regina – like selling, um, man-part extenders) (yes, I’m dead serious). I’ve been shooting down a lot of dreams Noah has with my realism. He says, Hey! We should do this! and I say Hey! How are we gonna pay for that? (He’s the day-dream believer, I’m the
home-coming queen dream-killing realist.)
I’m kind of sick of the drifting. The future scares the tar out of me, and I usually don’t like planning anything past tonight’s dinner because life’s got too many uncontrollable variables, but something’s got to change. I stole this from a comment on a friend’s Facebook status, spelling and grammar mistakes and all:
when you are out on a drive you have to look in your rear view mirror its like looking into your past however it cant be your focus because when your driving lifes journey youll crash if you dont drive the present
I did a bit of googling and found a couple articles with the same metaphor. A couple tidbits from them:
I’m talking about those little drops of negative emotional water that hit your brain, again and again, and in so doing create a groove or funnel for continued negative flashes.
What these flashes do is create habits of thought that affect our beliefs about our personal worth, ability and value. And those negative mirror flashes feed those two little worms – the “I am not worthy” one, and the “I am not able” one. And they grow. And we do it to ourselves.
So drive on ahead, but just make sure that your gaze is fixed ahead, using the rearview mirror sparingly, as nothing more than a simple reminder of what has already come and gone.
I guess what I’m trying to say in this discombobulated post is that I’m not looking to make a set-in-stone five-year plan, because my (our) life (lives) have been anything but predictable, but I want to be able to look out the front windshield and have a destination in mind, with only quick glances in the rear-view mirror to see how far I (we) have come. Sometimes I want to rip the rear-view mirror off the windshield and throw it out the window to watch it smash into a bazillion tiny little pieces, but I’m trying to get to the point where I’m thankful for what is behind me (us) because if I (we) did not drive through it, I (we) would not be where I (we) am (are). I want to drive over the mountains and through the valleys and always be thankful that they are there – knowing that they have their purpose.
And as for New Year’s Resolutions, my list is short.
1. have a baby
2. be more selfless
3. stop using so many brackets
Sounds accomplish-able, right? I’m already more than half-way done #1 already, is that cheating?