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I’m a loser, baby

I do not understand what I do.
For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate I do.
-Paul

Do you ever feel like a failure?

You work and work to get yourself out of a huge hole that you’ve dug just to make it all come crashing down again?

You find yourself listening to the ugly voices in your head.

That lady who said that you were selfish for keeping your baby for yourself when there were so many worthy parents without babies.

That friend in high school who made a career out of making you feel inferior to her.

You can’t even stand to look at yourself in the mirror.

You get YET ANOTHER traffic ticket.

You didn’t stick to the plan.

Your list didn’t get finished when you wanted it to.

You yelled at your kids AGAIN.

You were late for work AGAIN.

Every time you commit yourself to eating healthier and exercising, you find yourself eating worse than ever before and sitting around more and more often.

You find the numbers on the scale going up instead of down.

You forgot to do something you said you’d do or that needed to be done. And now it’s too late.

Someone’s sick AGAIN.

You have to miss work AGAIN.

You feel like you’re always behind and you’ll never be able to catch up.

You’ve been a really sucky friend and realize how long it’s been since you’ve seen or spoken to certain people, but time’s just gotten away from you.

You want to tell depression that it can rot in hell.

On their own, these things are tolerable. When they all start piling up, one on top of the other, things go downhill fast.

Whenever I feel the worst, I find myself going into the girls’ room after they’ve fallen asleep and just watching them breathe.

I figure I must be doing something right.

And everything’s going to be okay.

Categories: anxiety/depression

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