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one thousand gifts


A couple weeks ago, Sue (my mother-in-law) handed me a book and said that she thought I’d like it because the author sounded a lot like me. We had a screen-free Sunday, and after lunch I finally opened the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I automatically knew I’d like it because the author’s name is Dutch and everyone knows that Dutch people are the best kind of people. And the humblest.

Chapter One was devastating and gory and heart-breaking, but not something I could relate to (witnessing one’s baby sister being run over by a delivery man). But partway through Chapter Two, I saw what Sue meant.

For years of mornings, I have woken wanting to die. Life itself twists into nightmare. For years, I have pulled the covers up over my head, dreading to begin another day I’d be bound to just wreck. Years, I lie listening to the taunt of names ringing off my anterior walls, ones from the past that never drifted far away: Loser. Mess. Failure. They are the signs nailed overhead, nailed through me, naming me.

… I wake to the discontentment of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at the children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed late, neglect cleaning the toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be good enough, find enough, do enough?

(pp. 26-27, emphasis added)

Yes. This. I can relate to this. Self-hating? Self-destructive? Self-deprecating? Hi! That is me. That is very much me.

I’ve heard many good things about this book and I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes. I may have to have a screen-free Monday as well.

Categories: anxiety/depression

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • bethany actually Monday, April 23, 2012, 1:23 am

    I love you. That’s all.

    Actually, that’s not all. I read another blogger, She Laughs At the Days, who occasionally tweets something or writes a blog post tagged #onethousandgifts. I am betting it has to do with this book.

  • teresa Monday, April 23, 2012, 10:04 am

    Just finished that book! Loved it.

  • teresa Monday, April 23, 2012, 10:05 am

    Also, you might want to check out her blog: http://www.aholyexperience.com/

  • Jess Monday, April 23, 2012, 10:45 am

    Want to lend it to me when you’re done? :) sounds interesting…

  • Angella Tuesday, April 24, 2012, 7:12 am

    It’s a GREAT book. Christy sent it to me.

  • Jennifer Glen Tuesday, April 24, 2012, 3:51 pm

    I have a book for you to read after you’re done that one! It’s currently rocking my world in a good way and I think it would equally rock yours in a good way. Won’t tell you the name though…maybe it will show up sometime in the future….