CONTINUED! Remember when 9-1-1 was called for Kelsey? This is where our story continues …
So, Kelsey is still on the ground. Kaitlyn: “The past has shown us that Kelsey has a tragic story and uses it at the right times. And now the cocktail party has been cancelled because Kelsey is freaking out.” Becca: “We’re trying to figure out what part of this is real and what part is, like, manipulative.” None of the girls are taking her seriously. She says she’s having a panic attack and she’s not in pain? I don’t know if I just have special panic attacks, but MY HEART HURTS. LITERALLY. OH! And now she’d like to talk to Soules. And she’s giggling. FOR SERIOUS. I cannot even. Oh look, she’s all fine now. And now she’s all fun and games and laughing about her ordeal. OY. My response to panic attacks is giggling afterwards, too. EXCEPT NOT, KELSEY.
Ashley I isn’t buying it, either, and it seems like the cameraman is laughing. A: “You’re not buying it either, are you? … Do you have actual paperwork [about her husband dying]?” I can’t even tell you what Kelsey is saying because it’s all BS BS BS BS. “I can’t even tell you how happy I am right now after having that emotional connection with him.” YOU ARE EVIL, KELSEY. Soules had to take a time-out from the rose ceremony because what you said hit him hard. I wonder how he’s feeling now, watching it back months later. He must feel SO PLAYED.
ROSE CEREMONY! FINALLY! I’m bet you anything Kelsey gets a rose. Soules apologizes for cancelling the cocktail party and says his mind is made up already. Jade. Ashley I: “[Kelsey] was going to be sent home tonight but she played the widow card.” Kaitlyn. (YAY!) Ashley I is freaking out. Megan. Ashley I: “Just, because I don’t have a sad story I’m not going to end up with him.” Becca. Ashley. (I guess I can drop the “I” now.) LAST ROSE! It had better go to Whitney. Not Kelsey. Oh, wait. Whitney already has a rose, doesn’t she? And Carly and Britt, too. Harrison comes in to announce the final rose. Kelsey: “I feel empathy for the girls who are going home, because they wasted their time.” THAT IS YOU, WOMAN! Samantha and Mackenzie are worried. I keep forgetting Samantha exists. Kelsey. GAH! Oh well, at least she’s not boring to have around. Kelsey, you and Britt should have a WHO IS MORE MANIPULATIVE competition. Oh wait, YOU ARE.
Mackenzie says goodbye. Kaitlyn says she wants to punch Kelsey in the “teeth holder”. Samantha says goodbye. Jade says that Samantha has also had bad things happen to her, but she didn’t use it to level up. Carly: “Kelsey is a black widow.”
So! Nine are left. Who will be
voted out send home tonight?
Soules: “I am not here looking for drama, I am here to find a wife.” Soules and the ladies are heading to Deadwood, South Dakota. Hey! I’ve been to South Dakota! By accident because there was smoke in the cabin of the plane I was in on the way to San Diego and we never left the Sioux Falls airport, but still. Why are they not going to tropical destinations? Is this Soules’ decision? Does someone not have a valid passport? There will be a one-on-one date, a two-on-one date, and a group date. Carly: “If I get the two-on-one date, I will cry … or run.” I like Carly.
Britt and Kelsey bond over their manipulations. Kelsey: “I want the one-on-one because I feel like I’ve earned it. I’ve worked so hard!” Yes, you have, my dear Kelsey. YOU’VE WORKED THAT MANIPULATION SO HARD! I can’t even take this.
Date card! “Becca, Let’s give love a shot. Chris.” Becca is obviously stoked. I barely know anything about Becca, but I like what I’ve seen. Kelsey: “I’m not happy.” I just can’t handle her.
Becca and Soules (who have never kissed) head out on their date. Soules has such a great laugh.
Back at the house, Carly, Whitney, and Kaitlyn (three of my faves) talk about how frustrated they are with Kelsey. Speaking of the devil, she walks in and plops herself down on the couch. The girls confront her “panic attack” and about manipulating Soules. She denies everything. They tell her that she says hurtful things to the rest of the girls. Kelsey: “I get it. I am blessed with eloquence, and I’m articulate, and I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.” OK THEN. And seriously, stop mentioning your dead husband. Because you’re doing it in an awful way. “I’m here to win it.”
Becca and Soules sit around a campfire and roast skewer things. Becca loves his laugh, which, me too. He’s all giggly. They laugh a lot. Soules has many nice things to say about Becca. And then asks her where she sees herself in five years. She says married with kids. She then asks him, to which he replies that his 5-year plan began 10 years ago. He wants the same, and 4-6 kids. She says she’d love a big family. They’re pretty great together.
Date card! All the girls want Kelsey on the two-on-one date. “Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, Megan. Let’s make sweet music together. Chris.” So, this means that Ashley I and Kelsey are on the two-on-one date, right? Ashley is stoked, “I’m going to kick Kelsey’s ass.” Kelsey: “I mean, it’s basically a one-on-one.”
Soules and Becca are still around the fire. Soules offers Becca the rose, and she (obviously) accepts. She’s so adorable. She’s nervous about this whole thing because she’s a virgin, and she apologizes to her dad for him seeing her kiss Soules.
Group date! Soules tells the girls they’re going to write songs. Megan is stoked, as she’s from Nashville. Big and Rich walk out to help the girls write their songs. Whitney is STOKED. One of the B&R guys talks with Jade, who is super nervous. He takes Jade for a little run down the street. Hilarious. Britt goes over and kisses Soules in front of everyone. SHE IS SUCH A @&%# BAD PERSON. Jade is obviously hurt. Which makes sense. I know it’s a he-has-a-bazillion-girlfriends thing, but most girls are respectful about making kisses a private thing. Most girls aren’t Manipulative Britt.
Big & Rich toast to the songs. Soules starts the whole thing off. He’s an awful singer, but his lyrics are cute. Britt’s up next. CAN’T WAIT! She doesn’t do too bad, actually. It sounds like a real song. Kaitlyn’s is the BEST. Goodness she’s hilarious. Goodness, Carly has a VOICE. So beautiful. Jade is up last and is a mess of anxiety. She does great, though. She’s so sweet.
Date card! “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes. Let’s have good times in the badlands.” Both girls are so confident. Ashley had better win that date. I mean, I don’t see either of them with Soules, but Ashley is the lesser of two evils.
Jade and Soules get some one-on-one time. She says that she wanted to express her feelings to Soules. She tells Soules that she can see herself with her in Iowa. She hopes she gets the rose. (As does all the girls.) Kaitlyn tells Soules that she’s scared about the unknown, but is relieved that there are still feelings between her and Soules. Britt gets her time with Soules, who then run off together. WHAT THE?? They take off to a Big & Rich concert. And dance away. And make out. The band calls Soules and Britt up on stage. Soules goes off to the side of the stage, grabs a rose, and offers it to Britt. CRAP. I want to punch her in the “teeth-holder”. The two of them dance on the stage with the band. Britt doesn’t even like country music. “Save a horse, ride a farm boy.” The other girls have no idea what the heck is going on. Soules and Britt come back in and the others aren’t exactly happy to see them. Soules awkwardly tries to say that Britt has the rose and he didn’t want to do that in front of the other girls (who are avoiding eye contact with him). Still awkwardly, Soules says that he’ll see them later.
DUDE. DATE FAIL. Jerk. He knows he failed.
Britt: “I’m sorry, it feels so awkward right now.” She then tells the girls what she and Soules. They’re hurt, especially because Britt doesn’t like country music. She waves it in their faces, “It’s kind of his choice”. There are many tears around. You suck, Soules. Even Kaitlyn is a weepy mess. I want Britt to leave more than I want Kelsey to leave. I’m just going to go ahead and say that Britt DOES NOT WIN because she just cannot. So Soules better be apologizing to his fiancee right now as they watch this for how badly he treated her. HE HAD BETTER. I can’t wait to see The Women Tell All so they can all pile it on Britt and tell her what an awful person she is.
No, YOU’RE bitter.
Meanwhile, Kelsey and Ashley get ready for their date. They’re both obnoxious, but Ashley is a bit hilarious whereas Kelsey is just awful. They meet Soules at a helicopter. It isn’t a Bachelor episode without a helicopter. They fly by those heads on the mountain, whatever it’s called. Ashley thinks Kelsey’s strategy is to drive her insane. Soules and the girls land by a cabana, where they have drinks. I hope they both go home. There is awkwardness as they sit there. Nobody is speaking. Soules takes another drink.
The ladies at the house are getting a good laugh out of the two-on-one date. Kaitlyn: “I am the opposite of Kelsey in every way possible. And if Kelsey’s still in the picture, like, I am not for him.”
Soules and Ashley take a little time. Kelsey says obnoxious things. Ashley and Soules awkwardly kiss. She then fills Soules in on Kelsey. Soules then asks Kelsey how things are going in the house. She tells him that things are all good at the house. “I hope you know I’m prepared to be a wife, because I’ve been one.” I hope he sees right through her. He tells her that he wants his wife to be able to handle social situations. And then he tells her that Ashley told him that she’s being fake. DUDE. BAD MOVE. She starts to cry. “I considered Ashley someone I could trust.” She doesn’t know what else to tell him. But it doesn’t seem like he’s buying it. Seriously, dude. Send them both home. Kelsey is now pissed. “She’s a Kardashian on a princess date who wears too much makeup.” The two women are on the bed thing together and Kelsey shoots evil eyes at Ashley. She won’t stop glaring. Kelsey tells Ashley off. They spar for a while, and WHERE IS SOULES HERE? Ashley walks off to find Soules and asks him WHY he told Kelsey what she’d said to him.
Soules tries to console Ashley. He says he was just trying to hear her out. It looks like he feels awkward. He’d better send both of them home. Seriously. Ok, so he tells Ashley that he feels that they are in different places, and that she wouldn’t be happy where he lives, that he wouldn’t be able to give her the life she wants. She’s like, and BRITT, seriously? You think that’s the lifestyle she wants? She walks off crying. Then yells at him and walks back.
Ok, there are only 10 minutes left. How is this going to be wrapped up in 10 minutes? Finally Ashley walks off for good. Kelsey looks stoked.
Back at the house someone walks into the room and takes Ashley’s suitcase. The girls are shocked. Maybe they just won’t have a rose ceremony because two girls are going home now? The house girls are upset and confused. Ok, now let go of Kelsey too, Soules. He tells Kelsey that he sent Ashley home, and she “consoles” him. He then tells her that he doesn’t see a future for the two of them. He says he wishes the best for her. Do they now travel back in the same helicopter? Because that would be awkward.
Back at the house someone comes in to get the other suitcase. The girls yell and cheer and jump on the couches. “Chris is so smart! Chris is so smart!” They pop champagne. “Drinks for all!”
Kelsey is talking about her story again. “I’m going to be ok, because I’ve lost before. I’m here. I rose above it.”
NO ROSE CEREMONY AGAIN.
But! Next week! A two-day event! There is a rose ceremony. Soules then takes the girls to his hometown because he wants to see if they’re going to fit into his life. Wise move. Will the women tell him the truth? “And it’s Britt like you’ve never seen her before.” Yea, she’s not going to make it. Oh! And hometowns! And an interview with Soules! And Kelsey! (Separately.) And Jade did nude modeling for Playboy? Huh. Didn’t see that coming.
This is going to be great!