I watched The Bachelor: Love Stories show Sunday night and it was adorable. As much as the show can be cheesy and fake and sleezy, it’s also produced quite a few solid relationships. But enough about the happy, let’s get to the entertaining.
Cue Jeff Probst: Fifteen are left. Who will be voted out tonight?
Kelly (and Molly) feel ready to be there. Nikki is “level fifteen” ready. Chris Harrison walks in with a date card. What’s with your shirt, Chris? It’s a little odd. I love Andi’s hair. And the date card goes to … Cassandra. “Love is a wild ride.” Renee doesn’t want to waste her time because she’s got a life back home.
Juan Pablo and Camila (the best girl on the show) are at a picnic in the park before his date with Cassandra. She’s the one with the two-year-old little dude. She hasn’t had a first date since she was 18. They pretend the jeep-like thing is a roller coaster and raise their arms in the air. And then Juan Pablo drives into the ocean? Because it’s a jeep boat? Is this Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
Cassandra’s last first date was three years ago. Which makes her 21?
Renee and Elise are chatting about what brought them to The Bachelor. Renee says it’s because dating while being a single mom is hard, so why not try this? Elise’s mom passed away, and a letter to The Bachelor was found in her effects. Her mom wanted her to be on The Bachelor, so she’s fulfilling that wish.
That jeep boat thing is so weird. JP: “IT’S A WATER CAR!” Next up, a yacht, where they jump off and kiss in the twilight. And swim back to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Because that’s what every girl wants. (Ok, so I do want a water car.)
Renee’s getting a lot of screen time, she mentions that Cassandra had a rough night last night. Kat says that JP is getting to know the girls early, which is a good thing. What the deuce is on your head, girl?
Cassandra and JP are drinking wine in JP’s house, Camila is out with her grandparents. JP wants Cassandra to feel at home, so they make dinner. She says again that it’s her first date in three years. No guy has ever cooked for her. JP wants to make her feel comfortable, so they dance. Looks like they’ve gotten past that awkward silence when she walked out of the limo.
Date card! Dog Lover says she deserves a one-on-one date. But it’s a group date. Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christie, Lucy, Nikki. Elise and Chelsie, the blonde teachers, decide they could possibly get the one-on-one. Kat and Clare already had one-on-ones and aren’t going on the group date.
Another mention of the fact that Cassandra’s last first date was when she was 18. WE GET IT. JP: “I look her, and I think, damn, Cassandra’s beautiful.” He tells her she’s cute. They look at photos of their respective kids. JP calls Cassandra an over-protective mom. JP gives the pre-rose chat. “You’re a single mom, I’m a single dad. I don’t want to waste our time.” Cassandra mentions three years ago AGAIN. JP: “Ayyy, Cassandra. She dances, I like that about her.”
Group date! They’re at a soccer field. JP: “Soccer has been my life forever. I gave up soccer when my daughter was born.” Mad props to him for being a dad who puts his kid first. Parenting is about sacrifices, and not everyone is willing to make them, especially in this me-first, hedonistic society in which we live. As much as in some ways JP isn’t my favourite bachelor, I do respect him for certain life choices of his. I mean, I do like him in general, but he can also be a bit annoying at times. Nothing to do with his accent, that doesn’t bother me at all. If I was on the show, I’d want him to teach me some Spanish. But he’d never pick me, because I’m a horrible dancer.
The girls show up. Lauren is a genius, “As soon as I saw the stadium, I knew it was soccer.” (That genius comment was sarcastic.) Andi likes that JP is all sweaty. Kelly is looking forward to the date, but not sharing JP with nine other girls. JP tells the girls to cleat-up. Alli has played soccer her whole life. Dog Lover: “Do I look athletic at all?”
JP leads the girls in a soccer practice. He wants to know who is good, who tries, and who gets frustrated. Canadian Girl has never played in her life.
The girls who remain talk about how weird it is to kiss someone who is kissing other people. Um, girls. You’re on THE BACHELOR.
The girls come out in uniforms, with those anti-reflection black stripes under their eyes. JP: “You girls have football things on. Oh, Americans.” Andi: “I’m excited to kick some red team butt today.” Juan Pablo refs the game. This should be interesting. Andi gets the first goal. Nikki says she can get a bit competitive. Canadian Girl gets hurt. A few times. But she’s tough and gets right back up, because she’s Canadian and awesome. (Ok, she’s not my favourite, but I’m trying here.) JP joins the blue team because they’re losing. Juan Pablo takes out Canadian Girl. The game is over and he shakes up some champagne.
The girls are in evening wear, still at the soccer field. Andi really wants the group date rose. I think they all do, my dear. They toast. Nikki wants some intimate one-on-one time. She asks JP what his biggest fear was coming in. He says hurting people. Nikki says her fear was getting hurt. She “really wants to be here”, but feels the pressure. JP says he wants her to be there, says he sees something in her, says she’s sexy and to tell him whatever she wants.
JP and Andi are in the kitchen chatting. She says it got serious for her today. She wants love. “He makes me giddy. There’s definitely some attraction there.” They make out in the kitchen.
Elise and Cassandra hang out on a couch. Elise says she hopes the next date card comes soon, as it’s dark out. The doorbell rings. Date card! “Chelsie, do you trust me? Juan Pablo.” Elise is depressed. She says about Chelsie, “I just don’t know if she’s ready to be a step-mom. She seems like a baby to me. I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.” Ouch.
Juan Pablo has some one-on-one time with a few other girls. He then calls Sharleen and they walk across the field. She’s nervous. “There’s chemistry there. It feels organic.” The other girls watch. JP: “You’ve got class. I like that.” They kiss in front of the other girls. Dude, you’re breaking the rules again. She looks apprehensive, but then asks for a “re-take”. The other girls aren’t impressed. Andi: “I just made out with him. I thought the rose was mine. this sucks.” Sharleen to JP: “You’re so smooth.”
JP says this was his favourite group date and thanks the girls for being there. He picks up the rose. He gives it to Nikki. She accepts. Andi is a bit upset that she didn’t get the rose. Sharleen now feels insecure. “It both surprises and bothers me that I care as much as I do.”
Preview of JP and Chelsie bungy jumping. I will never do that. Ever. I’ll sky dive before I’ll bungy jump. I’ll jump off a high-dive or a bridge into water, but I won’t bungy jump. Preview of the girls in the pool. This should be interesting.
Chelsie packs her stuff up in case she’s sent home from her one-on-one date. Miss Free Spirit chats with her while she packs. JP walks in and apologizes to Elise for not giving her a date this episode and takes off with Chelsie. JP: “I want her fears to go away a little bit.” So you’re taking her bungy jumping?! They sing and dance to Venezuelan music in the car.
Elise and Cassandra question Chelsie’s intentions. “She won’t be the one and she’ll end up going home.”
JP and Chelsie walk into a Venezuelan restaurant. Ok, I want to be on that date. I’m hungry. JP is impressed with Chelsie’s love of Venezuelan food. “Let’s see how she does on the next challenge.” They’re strapped into the tandem bungy thinger. My legs are going numb just looking over the edge. They’re scared. Chelsie: “I don’t like edges.” Me neither, lady. Chelsie is apprehensive and JP comforts her.
JP is still trying to convince Chelsie to jump. My legs are still numb. “I’m, like, truly terrified.” After a loooong while: “Ok, I’m fine.” They jump. Their text is bleeped out. They make out upside down. “If we can jump off a bridge together, we can pretty much get through anything.”
Juan Pablo and Chelsie are at Pasadena’s city hall. I bet you anything she says something about eloping. “It’s the most romantic site I’ve ever seen.” She asks him what his fears are. “I think my biggest fear is not being a good example for my daughter.” Chelsie’s fear is not being happy. JP wins. He likes that she’s a teacher, and says that he thinks she has maternal instincts.
Elise isn’t worried about what JP is doing with Chelsie, but says again something about her being a baby.
JP and Chelsie talk about Camila. Chelsie doesn’t want to go home. They say that they like each other. Chelsie: “Your upside down kissing is pretty good, too.” JP picks up the rose: “I appreciate your courage and your trust.” JP says nice things about her in his interview. Chelsie in hers says, “You can’t top what happened today.” Music starts. Private concert. Billy Currington. Chelsie is very excited. “I listen to him on the radio!” More dancing. There’s a lot of dancing this season. JP: “I can see Chelsie being around for a long time. She’s wife material.”
Coming up. “It’s definitely every woman for herself.” Pool parties never end well. Canadian Girl is crying. “I’m just questioning if I’m the right type of girl for Juan Pablo.”
JP pulls up to his mansion with groceries. Venezuelan breakfast. “I want to see them with no make up on. Real life.” He’s making scrambled eggs with onion and tomato. And some other things. Chicken. Chicken for breakfast? Weird. Kelly and Molly come downstairs. “I’m not a morning person. My grandmother says that you never let anyone see you without your face on.” She goes upstairs and warns the other girls after walking Molly. JP says to Renee, about the breakfast, “You, don’t get used to this.” Elise takes advantage of JP being there and helps him with breakfast. Kat: “I hope this is the first breakfast of many.”
JP talks about the rose ceremony. Says instead of having a cocktail party, they’ll have a pool party. Miss Free Spirit is excited. I wonder if she’ll wear anything. Renee thinks it’s a great cocktail party, but is nervous about the roses. Clare says she’s happy because it involves two things she likes: Juan Pablo and a hot body.
Preview of jealous girls. Because of course. Juan Pablo is so not taking Sean’s advice to heart.
Pool party! “It’s definitely every woman for herself.” Chicken fights ensue. “There are definitely some girls who like attention. Kat likes attention.” Kelly says something about Kat being a whore, which, you know, is always lovely. Kat pulls JP off for some alone time. Clare isn’t happy. Sharleen is questioning things. She has one-on-one with Juan Pablo and says she doesn’t like the cameras. To JP: “You’re good at still being yourself in front of this. It’s a special skill that you have.” JP: “It’s not a skill, I just want you to be yourself and say whatever you want.” She gets upset and JP comforts her. It’s good to cry, Sharleen. It shows your humanity. It even makes me like you more. They kiss. Sharleen calls JP a tease. The other girls see them AGAIN. They’re not happy.
Clare: “This process is definitely a lot more emotional than I thought it would be.” She locks herself in the bathroom.
Still in the bathroom. Renee the Comforter goes to Clare. Sharleen says she doesn’t realize everyone could see. Asks if Clare is upset. “I haven’t seen him at all.” She wants reassurance. She gets some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. She tells him she had a hard morning. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.” Tells him it’s hard when the girls come back happy from the dates, not jealous, just wishes it was her. JP: “You’re here because I want you to be here.” He reassures her. “You looked great this morning.” He tells her he did the pool party because he didn’t want them to get dressed up. I like Clare.
Chris shows up and pings his glass. JP says he’s “here to find love”. Chris pulls JP away to prepare for the rose ceremony. There’s a quick shot of Lucy (Miss Free Spirit). There hasn’t been much of anything of her in this episode. Odd.
ROSE CEREMONY! I like this outfit better, Chris. “Juan Pablo is confident that this is working.” Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie already have roses. “If you’re ready, here’s Juan Pablo.” I want Chris to announce every time I walk into the room. JP: “This was the best day I’ve had. I had a chance to look at you from pajamas to bikinis to … dresses. You look gorgeous.” He gives the schpiel about why he’s there.
He picks up the first rose. Andi. Renee. Kelly (and Molly). Sharleen. Ominous music. Elise. Kat. (Clare, nervously: “Oh my god.”) Allison. Clare. Lauren. One rose remains. Chris: “Ladies, Juan Pablo, this is the final rose tonight.” Danielle.
This means Lucy is going home. I actually wanted her to stick around for entertainment value. Christie is also going home. I think this is Christie’s first time on heels. “It’s not fair. It’s really hard for me to open up. This sucks.” Lucy: “Goodbye is hard. … Better it happened now than later when I cared about him.” Lucy declares that she hopes everyone finds love, because they deserve it. She’s such a sweetie.
Preview with Sean & Catherine. She to him: “I can’t wait for the honeymoon.” They go lingerie shopping. Preview of next Monday: Japan?! The girls say mean things about Clare. There are tears. “I don’t know how he’s feeling right now.”
The show ends with JP teaching Chelsie Venezuelan swear words and Chelsie teaching JP to say “chivalrous”. JP: “Shiverless.”
Five more sleeps till Sean & Catherine’s wedding. Is Chris officiating? I can’t remember. I hope so.