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The Bachelorette: Jojo – Episode 1

Jojo! I was so worried at the end of Ben’s season that Caila was going to be the Bachelorette. Because I would not have watched. I don’t find her interesting at all. So when JOJO! was announced, I was pretty stoked.

I’m realizing now that I didn’t write about the finale for Ben’s season. Or Kaitlyn’s. Whoops. I guess I’m so in the moment with them that I get distracted and forget about the writing part.

On the first episode of Ben’s season, I chose Lauren B to win. And she won. That has never happened to me before. How did I choose her? A laugh she and Ben shared. It just looked so natural, like they’d been friends forever. It spoke to me. Can I choose again this season? We shall see.

SO! ONWARD!

A recap of Jojo’s part in Ben’s season. And Jojo reflecting on what she felt with Ben and what she’s looking for in the future. And then her walking along the beach in a bikini. Looking off into the sunset in a bikini. Standing on a lifeguard tower deep in thought.

I’m watching this a day (or two) after the episode aired because we got rid of cable. It’s going to be horrible for the finale. I’m going to have to find a friend I can watch the finale with. *cough cough*

Jojo pulls up in a boat convertible. She has a sit-down chat with Kaitlyn, Ali, and Desiree. Two thirds of them are pregnant. They all give her tips like not sleeping with the contestants and all that. Jojo says she’s going to be cautions with the “I love you”s so she doesn’t burn someone like Ben burned her.

And it begins.

Chris Harrison in a suit, just as we like him. He introduces one of the men who will win Jojo’s heart.

Grant, 28, firefighter from San Francisco, CA. He was excited about Jojo being the bachelorette. He’s ready to be in love. “I hope Jojo’s the one to light my fire.” I like him.

Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback from Chico, CA. He’s the little brother of Aaron Rogers. He felt he had to live up to expectations. He was in love but was too focused on football and the relationship ended. He’s now ready to make love a priority. He hopes he’s Jojo’s number one draft pick. We’ll go with YES to this one.

Alex, 25, U.S. Marine from Oceanside, CA. He has a twin brother who’s also a marine. He knows he can find love just like his brother did. He wants love at first sight. I’ll go with YES.

James S, 27, Bachelor Superfan from Phoenix, AZ. I’m gonna put a NOPE to this guy already. How is Bachelor Superfan a career? He has a watch party every Monday. Look, I know men who like the Bachelor, but this guy is a little extreme. His interview is interrupted by a call from his mom. Big NOPE.

Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist from Nashville, TN. Um. He says he loves giving guys that extra pep in their step. I’m gonna go a NOPE to this guy not because of his career but because he’s just … nope. “I got my mojo for Jojo.”

Ali, 27, Bartender from Santa Monica, CA. He was the first of his siblings born in America. He’s a surfer. He can’t wait to find the woman of his dreams. I’m gonna give a YES to this one.

Christian, 26, Telecom Consultant from Los Angeles, CA. He’s a hardcore workout guy. His dad is white, his mom is black, and his dad didn’t know he existed till he was in 7th grade. His father’s side of the family is racist. His little brothers live with him. I’m gonna give a YES to this guy.

Luke, 31, War Veteran from Burnet, TX. This guy’s a rancher who grew up in a small town. He was in the military for nine years. He lost friends and it gave him a new appreciation for life. *stereotypical farmer leaning up against a barn pose* I’m not sure what to make of this guy but I’m gonna go with no, not NOPE.

Ok, so that’s eight guys. The winner is always picked from the contestants who are highlighted at the beginning. I gave a no to … James S, Evan, and Luke. So it’s between Grant, Jordan, Alex, Ali, and Christian. Let’s see how the cocktail party goes and I’ll give you my final answer.

Limos!

Jordan is first out of the limo. He’s quite charming. Like, a lot charming. And not at all cheezy. He says that his parents met and were engaged within a couple months and have now been married for 36 years. I like him. Jojo: “He is hawt!”

Derek, 29, Commercial Banker from Fort Lauderdale, FL. He watched Ben’s season and sees that she has a good sense of self and is really grounded and he likes that in her. Jojo: “He was sweet.”

Grant! He tells Jojo and he’s going to do what Ben didn’t do. He’s going to fall in love with only her.

James F, 34, Boxing Club Owner from Nashville, TN. He didn’t come here for a rose, he came here for a relationship. Jojo: “This is your new home! Enjoy it!”

Robby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer from Jacksonville, FL. He comes bearing gifts: a bottle of wine. He gives her a big swig. Jojo: “My mom will like him.”

Alex! He tells Jojo that he’s pretty nervous. Jojo: “All these guys look so handsome!”

Will, 26, Civil Engineer from Jersey City, NJ. He drops some cue cards. This isn’t going to be pretty. I’m gonna give him a nope. He reads some cue cards which are apparently a gag.

Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent from Tulsa, OK. “I think we’re going to have a good time.

Daniel, 31, Canadian from Vancouver, BC, Canada. “Damn, Jojo!” You’re funny, Daniel. (He reference this.) And is “Canadian” a career? I’ve already given this guy a NOPE. I should root for him because he’s Canadian, but damn, Daniel.

Ali! “You are breathtaking … and I’m going to enjoy getting to know you.” He seems so nervous. But Jojo finds him sweet.

James Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter from Katy, TX. Nice using your whole name, James Taylor. Because I don’t think you’ve won any grammys. He sings her a song. He’s humbled and honoured to meet her. She likes country music. She tells him she wants to play his guitar later. He seems nice but I’m gonna give him a nope just because he uses his whole name. I’m mean, I know. Or maybe he uses his whole name becasue there are so many Jameses? Ok, I’ll give him a chance.

Jonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep fro Vancouver, BC, Canada. Another Canadian! At least he has a real job title. He’s wearing a kilt. He’s half Chinese and half Scottish “but lucky for me I’m Scottish below the waist.” Good one, Jon. He walks into the room with the guys and they’re very interested in his kilt. Damn, Daniel doesn’t like it.
There’s nothing on underneath the kilt. Oh no. I’m gonna give you a NOPE, Jon.

Saint Nick, 33, Father Christmas from The North Pole. Is this serious? Because if it is I’m giving him a NOPE. He pulls out a present for her. Jojo: “Who doesn’t like Santa and who doesn’t like gifts. Smart man.” Damn, Daniel doesn’t like him either. Jordan is nice to him. “I’m glad someone did it, I’m glad it wan’t me.”

Chase, 27, Medical Sales Rep from Highlands Ranch, CO. He’s wearing a fake moustache. “I moustache you a question but I think I’m gonna shave it for later.” Ok, Chase.

Jake, 27, Landscape Architect from Playa Vista, CA. He doesn’t do much.

Sal, 28, Operations Manager from Fort Lauderdale, FL. He gives her blue balls. “If at any point you’re stressed tonight, I give you permission to squeeze my balls.” Clever, Sal.

Brandon, 28, Hipster from Los Angeles, CA. NOPE. If you have “hipster” as your job title, I’m already annoyed with you. “I’ve never watched any seasons before, I know nothing about you.” Brilliant, dude.

James S! NOPE. But I already gave him a NOPE. Silly Bachelor Superfan.

Some guy: “If I was gay, this would be paradise.” Ok, dude.

Nick S, 26, Software Salesman from San Francisco, CA. He lunges and then dances with her. Weirdo.

Vinny, 28, Barber from Delray Beach, FL. He gives her a piece of toast. Um.

Peter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager from Chicago, IL. He gives her a giant heart. “Here is my heart.”

Evan! The Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. I’ve already given him a NOPE.

Wells, 31, Radio DJ from Nashville, TN. He brings out All-4-One and they sing Jojo a song.

Christian! Dude drives up in a motorbike. Her: “Nice ride!” Him: “Not as nice as a unicorn mask.” She’s impressed with the motorbike.

Luke! He rides up on a unicorn. I think I already gave this guy a nope. But I like the unicorn.

Chris Harrison! I love Chris Harrison.

Cocktail party!

Luke (I think? I get them all mixed up for the first few episodes. There are a lot of them.) anyway, Luke asks her to sit on his butt while he does push-ups.

Derek steals her away and says that he feels like a nerd. “I used to look like Harry Potter.” NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, DUDE.

Jojo is frustrated that all the guys are so tense and nervous. She wants to find someone where the conversation is easy.

Jordan steals her away. He asks her how the last couple months have been. She asks him what he does and it seems like he wants to hold back the whole Aaron-Rogers’-brother thing. He says he’s in sports and media broadcasting. She’s smitten.

This next guy is Christian maybe? I think I gave him a yes but I might change my mind.

James F, the boxing club owner, gives Jojo a few boxing lessons.

Will does one of those chinese fortune teller things and says that they need to kiss. Jojo thought it was cute until the “awkward kiss”. She doesn’t think she was ready for that.

Jordan takes her aside again. And kisses her. “Now that is a kiss.” She says it feels perfect and right. “His butt! His butt. I gotta start doing squats.”

Chris Harrison! He’s holding the first impression rose. I bet you anything it goes to Jordan.

Wells has a conversation with Jojo with All-4-One singing in the background.

Chad is endearing to Jojo. It’s obvious to him that she knows she’s confident. He’s confident that if he wants her, he can have her. But I’m not a fan.

Damn, Daniel gets his turn. He then explains why he said, “Damn, Jojo.” Dude, you’re being the opposite of endearing. MAKE CANADA LOOK GOOD. “Have you seen that YouTube video?” “No, does someone say, ‘Damn, Jojo’?” This isn’t going well. “Have you been following the internet for the last couple months. Oh, this is awkward.

The guys are drinking too much. Especially Damn, Daniel. He tries to poke Evan in the belly button. “Is it some sort of Canadian greeting?” I can’t stand him already. He’s already taking his clothes off. Jojo: “Are you wearing a thong?” Damn, Daniel: “No, this is male underwear.” Just go home. He hops in the pool. Damn, Daniel.

Throughout the seasons, there are private interviews with the contestants and the Bachelorette. Not I said private. But Jojo’s is interrupted by Brandon the Hipster. He kicks Jojo off her chair. Then someone else goes in to interrupt. “I’ll never beg for your love on a bathroom floor.” Oh, right, becasue Ben did that. Jojo: “I’m so tired. That just exhausted me.”

Ali plays some Beethoven for Jojo. She then sits on Santa’s lap. James (F?) makes a good impression on Jojo. “He’s the type of person you want to spend every day with.” Luke gives Jojo a pair of cowboy boots.

Jojo (I almost typed “Andi” for some reason.) picks up the First Impression Rose and takes Jordan aside. SHOCKER. One of the guys doesn’t think that Jordan is being genuine. Also a shocker. Here starts the “He’s not here for the right reasons” crap.

Chris Harrison comes in and announces the rose ceremony.

Rose ceremony!

Ok. So. I gave a NOPE to Will, Daniel, Jon, Brandon, James S, Luke, and Evan. And a YES to Grant, Jordan, Alex, Ali, and Christian. And more, probably, but those are the ones of the first eight that I chose.

All the guys are nice and lined up when another limo pulls up. Jojo picks up the first rose. And … Jake Pavelka walks in. Noooooooo. This guy’s a former Bachelor. A tool. … Ok, phew. He’s just there to encourage her. To be a kind friend. Way to go, Jake. I like you a little more now.

Ok, so Jordan has a rose. First rose! Luke. Next up … Wells. James T. Grant. Derek. Christian. Chad. Chase. Alex. Robby. Brandon. James F. Ali. Saint Nick. Will. James S. Vinny. Evan. Chris Harrison comes in to announce the final rose. Daniel. (WTF?!)

Chris Harrison tells the rose-less guys to say their goodbyes.

That’s it!

So, predictions? I vote Jordan to win it all. I mean, to win Jojo. I mean, to be the last man standing. #TeamJordan

***

Have I already told you about the Rosebuddies Podcast? It is so great. You should listen to it.

Categories: bachelor(ette)

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