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the one where I talk about depression

This depression thing? It’s a roller coaster. Not a fun one. There are really good, euphoric days, and then there are really bad, extremely depressive days. The odd day, there’s a happy medium. A “normal”. But those days seem few and far between.

The bad days? They go a little something like this.

My husband annoys me beyond belief. He can’t do anything right. He annoys me if he pays no attention to me, and he annoys me if he pays any attention to me. He annoys me if he asks me what I’m doing that day or what I’m making for dinner, and he annoys me if he doesn’t ask me anything. I don’t want him to touch me at all. Not even a peck on the cheek. I just want him to leave me alone.

My children drive me batty. Every single noise they make drives me insane and makes me want to scream. I don’t want to snuggle. I don’t want them anywhere near me. I want them to just leave me alone.

It takes everything I have not to yell and scream at my family, but I know it wouldn’t be fair to them. Obviously. I don’t want to clean up after them, I don’t want to cook for them, I just want them to take care of themselves and leave me out of it.

Trying to explain to the people I love that it is not their fault that I am like this and there is nothing more they can do about it is probably the hardest thing for them. My husband is as supportive as he can be, but sometimes he has a really hard time dealing with me. If I were him, I would have been DONE with me long ago. But, he’s still here. He’s still supportive. He’s still strong. I think that says a lot about his character.

I have no interest in being social. I don’t want to call anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I wish that everyone would forget that I even exist. I don’t want to answer the phone, I don’t want to answer any emails. I want to delete my Facebook and Twitter accounts and my Google Reader and take a permanent vacation from my blog. I don’t want to leave my house.

Nothing interests me. Blogs are boring. Blogging is boring. The sight of Facebook makes me want to gag. All my DVR’d TV is uninteresting. I don’t want to take any photos. I don’t want to edit any photos. I don’t want to see a single code of HTML.

No food is appealing, but if I do decide to finally force myself to eat something, I can’t stop and then I get extremely disappointed in myself.

I have dealt with self-hatred and self-destructive behavior since I was a teenager. It hasn’t gotten better. Only worse.

I am incredibly irritable. (Noah would probably say that is an understatement.) I can’t concentrate. I can’t think straight. I feel worthless and hopeless. I feel like my family would be better off without me. I cannot control the negative thoughts no matter how hard I try.

I am not suicidal, but thoughts run though my head often. I’ve thought about all the ways to go. But, they all end in too much work and pain for my family and I don’t want to do that to them. I won’t do that to them.

All I want to do is lay in bed and do nothing.

That’s a bad day.

There have been extreme highs, and there have been extreme lows. There is so much I am ashamed of, that I don’t let myself think of. I shut it out. I didn’t let myself go there. Ever. But then I did let myself visit one place earlier this spring with a weekly support group. That part is dealt with. Healed. Forgiven. But there is still so much more.

Depression is a beast. I hate it. I hate it so so so much.

There has been progress though. I’m beginning to be able to feel again. For a very long time, for years even, I really had no emotion. I was numb. I didn’t feel joy and I didn’t feel pain. Everything was just blah. I was just going through the motions. Nothing made me cry, nothing made me squeal with delight. Now though, the Lord is softening my heart. Slowly. Very slowly. Relapses are frequent.

I’ve cried more this year than in the previous 25 years. It’s been good. It’s been wonderful. It’s been painful. But even the feeling of that pain is good. I can feel it. I’m finally letting myself feel. A little bit. Even as I write this, I’m shaking and there are tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

One day I will beat it. It will not be automatic, and it will not happen overnight. It’s a long road. It’s a long road with many mountains and valleys and very few plateaus. It’s a road I want to be on. Desperately.

I want to be the wife that my husband deserves. One that wants to spend time with him and wants him to give me that hug just because (and maybe give him one too) (to which my Mr. Editor husband said, “Yea THAT would be nice’) and wants to spend the rest of my life making him happy, even in the little things.

I want to be the mom that my children deserve. One that enjoys playing with them and reading to them and one that wants that extra snuggle before bedtime. I want to be sensitive to their needs and provide them with a stable home environment where they feel loved and cherished and safe. One that they want to come home to.

I know that there is hope.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m not going to give up.

Categories: anxiety/depression

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Joanne Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 6:15 am

    Sending you a big, big, hug and lots of love.

  • Jen Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 7:59 am

    Sending a massive hug and lots of love your way. I hope this next year has many many more highs than lows.

  • Patty Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 8:29 am

    There is hope and healing out there. God and doctors can do it.
    I live with a man who is bi polar and I know for a fact the healing that comes from God and good medication.
    Continue to seek out the help you need and know that there are people praying for you.


  • Teresa Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 8:34 am

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. What a rough road. Hang in there, though. It will get better.
    .-= Teresa´s last blog ..Pictures pictures =-.

  • Amanda Brown Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 8:51 am

    Wow, this is powerful. So honest, and I know many have walked this road and you’re not alone. Way to realize your progress, painful as it’s been, and know that you WILL beat this.
    My mom has quite the tale to tell with depression and if you’re ever needing an understanding ear you should totally invite yourself over to her house for one of her homemade lattes and tell ‘er I sent ya. :)
    .-= Amanda Brown´s last blog ..Hair Friday =-.

  • Elizabeth Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 9:47 am

    I’m also sending you love, Jen. There are so many people that share these feelings. Thank you for expressing your feelings, here. I’m praying for you.
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Cuteness =-.

  • Jenny Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 10:00 am

    I suffered with post partum depression and I didn’t realize til I came out of it how awful it was. Thanks for such an honest post. Hope that your bad days are few and far in between.
    .-= Jenny´s last blog .. =-.

  • Ann Matthews Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 10:03 am

    I love you!!!
    .-= Ann Matthews´s last blog ..Biting the Bullet =-.

  • Kami Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 10:17 am

    It’s wonderful that you can put all this down here because the brutal honesty, it’s so important me thinks. You are not alone, so many have gone through and are still going through this journey. One that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

    I am here, if and when you ever need me for whatever (I am really good at running you hard!). Here’s to the journey, because you will come out the other side STRONGER and more couragous than you already are. And that is saying a lot.
    .-= Kami´s last blog ..Time always makes me more rational =-.

  • Katie Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 10:21 am

    I hope you reach the light faster than you think you will. It isn’t just that your family deserves it, you deserve it too.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..sometimes the heart bleeds =-.

  • Jennifer Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 2:02 pm

    Wow! You are so honest. You really know yourself and that is one of the first steps.
    I will continue to say many prayers for you as you continue to seek help.
    Love ya!

  • Angella Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 2:35 pm

    Hang in there, Jen. HUGS.
    .-= Angella´s last blog ..Baby Love =-.

  • Melissa Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 3:26 pm

    Don’t ever lose hope. There may still be a long journey ahead, but you’ve made it this far. Hugs to you.

  • Heather Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 5:57 pm

    I’m so sorry hon. :( The great annoyance with everyone in my case is instead replaced with crushing loneliness, even in the midst of groups. It just friggin sucks.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..On Music =-.

  • Dad Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 7:45 pm

    Take care Jen, we really love you, even in the lowest low we are silently and remotely lifting you up to pull you back out of the depth, at those times close your eyes and see us around you, we’re there for you.

  • Meg Tuesday, September 22, 2009, 9:57 pm

    I think all the previous commenters have summed it up nicely. But I always want to add my two cents. :P
    DON’T EVER GIVE UP. You have kicked so much behind, I know you’ve got it in you to be the person you aspire to be. And I know that all those close to you, including us readers, are continually rooting and praying for you! You’re a fantastic mommy and wife and friend, and I know that one day, you’ll be able to hold your head high(er) and say that you beat this. I believe in you and your strength.
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..Defense =-.

  • shannon Wednesday, September 23, 2009, 1:41 pm

    You are me. It sucks, doesn’t it? I hate it, and you expressed how I feel so well. Thanks.

  • Anna-b-bonkers Saturday, September 26, 2009, 10:48 pm

    Oh Jen! I know this. I took the meds. Didn’t take them. Had a miscarriage and it made it worse. I still struggle too. My house tells the truth. Stop by some time.
    I sobbed about it last night. Watched House and realized I could use friends. I shut them out. Too much effort. I am trying to reach out though. It is so much harder in real life.
    I should blog this too. I am afraid to though. It is so raw.
    .-= Anna-b-bonkers´s last blog ..Sulking in the sun =-.

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