1. Call your husband and tell him that you are not picking him up because you are failing at life. Also, tell him to hurry home.
I have these videos auto-muted because I care about you and those around you. If you would like sound, just click on that little box on the top left of the video. You’re welcome!
2. Use that Vine app you haven’t touched in 67 days.
3. Flood your Instagram feed.
4. Play basketball. Go for the dunk.
5. Find a trampoline to jump on. I’m sure at least one of your neighbours has one and won’t mind if you tresspass and make a whole bunch of noise.
6. Open and go through your mail. And hide from your children the little bag of gummies that came with your husband’s new shirt.
7. Water your garden. In bare feet. Because you didn’t put shoes on your son because you were heading to the van when you thought you were leaving the house and he always kicks his shoes off so you didn’t bother putting any on him and you feel bad that he’s the only one not wearing shoes.
8. Say “no” when your husband suggests you take the kids to the McDonald’s around the corner, because you weren’t planning on being out in public and are wearing your best People of Walmart outfit.
9. Tell your kids “five more minutes” whenever they ask, “WHEN IS DADDY GOING TO BE HERE TO LET US BACK IN THE HOUSE?! YOU SAID I COULD HAVE A SNACK! WHERE IS MY SNACK?! I’M HUNGRY!!!”
10. Escape the house for three hours after the ordeal is over because the whole experience has been quite traumatizing.
Bonus: Maybe think about putting a spare key somewhere in the basement so the downstairs people can let you in when you inevitably will again lock yourself out.