I’ve been noticing more and more lately how much previous relationships shape your future ones. There are some things that I have huge problems with because I’ve gotten into such a pattern of bad relationships (note: not all bad but definitely not all good) that I’ve gotten used to people saying how they felt and what they wanted but not really meaning it, or thinking that they meant it but it didn’t play out that way.
Trust is a major factor to having a good relationship and it’s SO hard to have it totally and completely when you’ve been let down by, and also you yourself have let down, so many people. I think that these relationships have also had an impact on my relationship to God. There are so many things in my life right now that I am totally stressed out about and I know that if I just gave the issues to Him and fully trusted Him that they would be okay and they would work out that I wouldn’t be so stressed out about them. I have a fear that if I give a problem fully to God, that he’ll say no and I will be totally stressed again and not trust Him at all. I fear that I don’t have enough faith in God for Him to pull through on things in my life that I need help with and things that I pray for or am to scared to pray for.
In truth, I am scared to put things I know to practice. I have experienced so much grace and mercy and so many gifts from God and each time one of these things happens and I see God’s hand in it I know that He did it and i am so thankful to him for doing it but when another problem comes along I am scared to trust Him. I am hoping that my year at Briercrest helps me in my walk with God because that is THE main reason that I am going there. I also wish to know more about Him, but desperately more than that I want to know Him better.